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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

An increasing number of people are changing careers during their working life. wnat aoyou think are the reasons for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development for society?

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Introduction
In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern society ,with the quick development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology and science, thereis increasing trend
about the
Change preposition
of
show examples
career
Use synonyms
changing
Replace the word
changes
. And I think there are many different kinds of reasons. And it
a
Verb problem
is a
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positive thing
although
Linking Words
 there are many items become worse.
Body · 1
Some
people
Use synonyms
change
Use synonyms
different
Correct word choice
apply
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careers for many
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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.
For example
Linking Words
,
firstly
Linking Words
,there are many
people
Use synonyms
go
Correct pronoun usage
who go
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 to
change
Use synonyms
 their work for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different and various
experiences
Use synonyms
. If they
change
Use synonyms
 their
careers
Check wording
career
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 style, they will do
the
Correct article usage
apply
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different kinds of jobs. And
then
Linking Words
,they would have different
experiences
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
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, with
quick
Correct article usage
the quick
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 development of
industry
Correct article usage
the industry
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, there are various new jobs and demands. At the same time, the employees now
also
Linking Words
 have more opportunities to develop different skills and
also
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 master more practical skills and abilities
in fact
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. So they enter
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 different
career
Use synonyms
 for the better developed opportunities.What's more, unfortunately, there are
also
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 many
people
Use synonyms
 who have to
change
Use synonyms
 their careerdue to the
more and more
Rephrase
increasingly
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 strict
competitions
Check wording
competition
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instead
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 of finding
the
Correct article usage
a
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 different
career
Use synonyms
 positively.
Body · 2
I think
this
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 really is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 positive development for society
Punctuation problem
, although
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Although
Linking Words
 there are many thingswhich becomes worse. When the
people
Use synonyms
 who
change
Use synonyms
 their
career
Use synonyms
 positively would fostertheir curiosity and have more and more new
experiences
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, after stronger andstronger competitions, there will be more excellent employees leaving
in
Change preposition
apply
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the
company
Use synonyms
.
As a result
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, the
company
Use synonyms
 will gain
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better rate of production. And the
company
Use synonyms
canwelcome
Correct your spelling
can welcome
 the better future.
Conclusion
Generally,
people
Use synonyms
change
Use synonyms
 their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 to get different and various
career
Use synonyms
experiences
Use synonyms
.Sometimes, they
change
Use synonyms
 their job just as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 result of the stronger
competitions
Check wording
competition
show examples
 and
theless
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
 opportunities in the
company
Use synonyms
. And
this
Linking Words
 would be a good and positive trend in my opinion.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully: reasons and if it is good or bad for society.
coherence and cohesion
Give one clear main idea in each body part, then explain it in a simple way.
task response
Use real and clear examples, not very general ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with easy words like first, also, because, so, and however.
coherence and cohesion
Make each sentence easy to follow. Some parts are hard to understand now.
task response
Keep your opinion clear from start to end.
task response
You answered the full question and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body, and conclusion.
task response
You gave more than one reason for career change.
coherence and cohesion
You used some linking words like for example, moreover, and as a result.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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