IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

PART 2: The values we learn from our parents and family have a greater influence on our success than the knowledge and the skills we learn at school. To what extend do you agree or disagree

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Introduction
The values
people
Use synonyms
 learn from their families have a higher impact on their success than the qualities and knowledge they learn at school. I completely agree because ,from the first place, our families
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
decide the
Use synonyms
children
Correct word order
way our children take in
show examples
way
Use synonyms
 of taking information or their
way
Use synonyms
 of thinking. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 some
parents
Use synonyms
 can raise their
children
Use synonyms
 have all
of what
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 they need. So
this
Linking Words
 can impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them in their school and work in the future, for
refuse
Wrong verb form
refusing
show examples
 to make
Use synonyms
effort
Correct article usage
an effort
show examples
 and
rely
Wrong verb form
relying
show examples
 on other
people
Use synonyms
. Unlike
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
this,
show examples
 they can make them depend on themselves by not
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
 them anything easily.
Body · 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, from an early age, some
parents
Use synonyms
 try to raise
children
Use synonyms
depend
Verb problem
to depend
show examples
 on themselves in all
sides
Check wording
aspects
show examples
 of their lives. They try to teach them that the greatest successful stories do not come without
effort
Use synonyms
 by
people
Use synonyms
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 those stories. So, they
do not
Verb problem
cannot
show examples
 afford anything easily
to them
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, their
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 dream game will be a reward if they achieve a high score in their exams.
Therefore
Linking Words
, those
children
Use synonyms
 study hard
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 achieve good scores to get the reward,
Linking Words
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the end. And
this
Linking Words
way
Use synonyms
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 their
Use synonyms
children
Punctuation problem
children,
show examples
 can leave
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 impression that all
what
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 they need
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not come easily. They depend on them and on their efforts.
Body · 2
Meanwhile, other
parents
Use synonyms
 are fond of their child, so they try to afford all what he needs. From an early age, they give him games and money, without any
effort
Use synonyms
 by him. There are no limits
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their giving sometimes. So
this
Linking Words
 child can be sure that all
what
Correct determiner usage
that
show examples
 he need come,
Linking Words
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the end. So, he may not make an
effort
Use synonyms
 in his
studying side
Check wording
studies
show examples
. Because he knows that all
what
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 he needs he has now and in the future
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 his
parents
Use synonyms
. So he may tend to rely on all
people
Use synonyms
 around him to give him what he
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
. He can rely on cheating in exams
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 his friends. And in his future,
this
Linking Words
 can have a result on him,
that
Correct word choice
so that
show examples
 he can have all things without trying for them. So he may start to blame all
Use synonyms
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 around him except himself.
This
Linking Words
 can reflect on his work life
that
Correct word choice
, as
show examples
 he does not improve
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and
remain much of time
Correct subject-verb agreement
remains
show examples
 in the same position
of
Change preposition
for much of
show examples
work
Check wording
the time
show examples
.
Conclusion
In
coclusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
parents
Use synonyms
 can have the highest impact on the
way
Use synonyms
 their
children
Use synonyms
 see and think about all
side
Fix the agreement mistake
sides
show examples
 of their lives. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 their treatment
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 them in their early age can decide their personalities.
Linking Words
Also
Punctuation problem
Also,
show examples
 their
way
Use synonyms
 of studying and working to get what they need,
Linking Words
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the end. So, all of
this
Linking Words
 what decide their success. Because
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
of this
show examples
I
Punctuation problem
, I
show examples
completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement.

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task response
Give a more clear answer to the question in each body part.
task response
Use more direct examples to show why family values help success more than school learning.
task response
Explain your main idea step by step, so the reader can follow it more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph stay on one main point only.
coherence and cohesion
Check word order and sentence form, because some parts are hard to understand.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep it to the end.
task response
You use family and child examples, which helps support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use order words like firstly and meanwhile.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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