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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that elderly parents ought to live at senior homes. Others believe that they should live with family members (blood relatives). Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is an ongoing debate regarding elderly
parents
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, with some arguing that they should live
at
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in
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 senior
homes
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,
while
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 others believe that they ought to live with close family
members
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.
Although
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 senior
homes
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 offer benefits to elderly
parents
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, I firmly believe that grandparents play a crucial role within the family, so it is important for elderly
parents
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 to live with their family
members
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.
Body · 1
Supporters of senior
homes
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 claim that the main reason for
this
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 option is that elderly
parents
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 suffer from a wide range of illnesses.
Such
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 places mainly contribute to them performing their daily tasks by providing professional care systems,
consequently
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 enhancing their life expectancy.
In addition
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, in
such
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 places, elderly people can interact with their peers and receive emotional support.
For instance
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, senior
homes
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 in Iran offer diverse recreational activities and improved healthcare systems
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 help elderly individuals become healthier and happier.
Therefore
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,
such
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 places foster a strong sense of satisfaction and enhance elderly people’s
overall
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 health.
Body · 2
On the other hand
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, critics argue that elderly
parents
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 play an important emotional and cultural role in the family, mainly because their real-life experiences contribute to family
members
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’ development both personally and professionally.
As a result
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, offspring should share the responsibility of looking after their elderly
parents
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. As an example, grandparents offer valuable lessons about various aspects of life for their offspring
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can positively influence their personal development and deepen their understanding of diverse subjects
such
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 as family traditions.
Hence
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,
such
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 individuals should live with their family
members
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, from my perspective,
while
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 senior
homes
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 provide elderly
parents
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 with an engaging environment, allowing them to take part in various activities, grandparents often serve as valuable sources of emotional guidance and life experience,
Linking Words
therefore
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
living with family
members
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 is more beneficial for them and their offspring.

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task response
Make your side more clear in the second body part. You say family is best, but one line sounds like you support both sides almost the same.
task response
Add one more direct reason for why living with family is better for old parents, not only for the family. This will make your answer more full.
task response
Your example about Iran is relevant, but it is a bit general. Add a more exact example to make your point stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because each part has a clear job. Keep this strong paragraph order.
coherence and cohesion
Use a few simpler linking words too, like 'also', 'so', and 'because'. Some links now are a bit heavy and can sound less natural.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences carry many ideas at once. Break one or two of them into shorter sentences for better flow.
task response
You answer both views and give your own opinion clearly in the introduction and the end.
task response
Your main ideas are mostly clear and stay on the topic all the way.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Topic sentences help the reader know what each body part will discuss.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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