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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that elderly parents ought to live at senior homes. Others believe that they should live with family members (blood relatives). Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is believed by some individuals that elders should be living in old age homes
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, others think that older
people
Use synonyms
 should live among their family members. I agree with the latter because older
people
Use synonyms
 deserve the love and affection of their family members as they grow older, and they tend to live stress free life with their loved ones.
Body · 1
It is observed that
old
Correct word choice
older
show examples
 individuals get more love and affection when they are with their family members. Old age homes might take care of their individuals but they
doen't
Correct your spelling
don't
 have to show compassion towards them. They only do their due
dilligence
Correct your spelling
diligence
 and fiduciary duty for which the fees
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 paid.
However
Linking Words
, loved ones make sure that elders are not left alone and are loved unconditionally.
Also
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 care is done without any financial gain and is pure in nature.
Body · 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, old folks should be mentally and physically fit
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 living away from family could distort their mental fitness. It is because there is no one they can tell their concerns or problems
that
Change preposition
to, which
show examples
 makes them
stress
Replace the word
stressed,
 as the employees don't bother listening to
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
show examples
 because it is outside their domain. So, it is essential to
cure
Verb problem
improve
show examples
 the mental health of
such
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 by
making
Verb problem
helping
show examples
 them
shift
Verb problem
connect
show examples
 with their descendants.
For instance
Linking Words
, many older
people
Use synonyms
 who live in old age residents
encouter
Correct your spelling
encounter
 stress and anxiety because no one talks with them, and they are only taken care
off
Change preposition
of
show examples
 physically
only
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 without any checkup for mental health.
Conclusion
In conclusion, families are the best companions of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who are in their 70s or older.
This
Linking Words
 makes them feel adored, inspired, and mentally fit

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coherence cohesion
Make your main idea more clear in each body part. Put the topic sentence first, then explain it, then give one clear example.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Words like 'however', 'also', and 'for instance' are good, but some parts still feel hard to follow.
task achievement
Give a more specific example. Your example is related, but it is still general and not very strong.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more fully. Some points are good, but they need deeper support and clearer detail.
task achievement
Answer the question in a more direct way through the whole essay. Your opinion is clear, but it should stay stronger in every paragraph.
task achievement
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and keep the same side in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, two body parts, and an ending.
task achievement
The ideas are relevant to the topic and easy to understand most of the time.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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