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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below gives information about European people of different age groups who went to gyms once a month or more between 1990 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

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The chart illustrates the information about the percentage of European
people
Use synonyms
 who went to the gym once a month or more from 1990 to 2010, broken down by
age
Use synonyms
 groups.
Overall
Linking Words
, the rate of
people
Use synonyms
 who visited
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
gyms among the four
age
Use synonyms
 groups constantly increased between 1990 and 2010. At
first,
Linking Words
although
Linking Words
 the ratio of
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 whose
age
Use synonyms
 is 18-24 ranked
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second
place
Use synonyms
 in 1994 at 13
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, except for that year , it steadily took
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first
place
Use synonyms
 from 1990 to 2010.
In addition
Linking Words
, the rate surpassed 80
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2006.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 of
age
Use synonyms
 25-34 always took
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second
place
Use synonyms
, except in 1994. The royalty rose steadily by 6 per cent every 5 years. Meanwhile, the ranking of
people
Use synonyms
 aged 35-44 and 45 and over didn't change through 2010. The 35-44
age
Use synonyms
 group ranked
the
Change preposition
in
show examples
 third
place
Use synonyms
 and the proportion was about 5% in 1990, but it dramatically rocketed to 40% in 2010.
Lastly
Linking Words
, the percentage of the 45 and over
age
Use synonyms
 group was about 4% in 1990
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 it rose to 20% in 2010, which is more than five times.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, age, place with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Age group (noun): A range of ages categorized together.
  • Gym attendance (noun): The act of visiting or using a gym.
  • Trend (noun): A general direction in which something is developing or changing.
  • Decline (verb/noun): A decrease or loss in quality, quantity, or importance.
  • Fluctuate (verb): To change continually; to move up and down.
  • Peak (noun/verb): Reach the highest point.
  • Demographics (noun): Statistical data relating to the population and particular groups within it.
  • Health awareness (noun): Being conscious or informed about health issues.
  • Fitness culture (noun): A culture that promotes physical exercise and healthy living.
  • Stabilize (verb): To make or become unlikely to change or fluctuate.
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