IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The average life span of citizens is increasing in developed countries. What problems can this cause? What measures should be taken to deal with these problems?

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Introduction
The life span of
people
Use synonyms
 is rising in developed countries. It is a positive aspect, but there are
also
Linking Words
 some problems
this
Linking Words
 can cause.
Urbanisation
Use synonyms
 intensification is one of the most important issues of today.
Body · 1
Urbanisation
Use synonyms
 intensification can cause increased of population density in
cities
Use synonyms
. Many
people
Use synonyms
 want to live in
cities
Use synonyms
 because a lot of infrastructure,
such
Linking Words
 as museums, convenience stores, and public transportations are more focused on
cities
Use synonyms
 than the
countryside
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, hospitals are more easily accessible in urban
areas
Use synonyms
, so it is easier to go to the hospital when they are sick or get a disease. It can
also
Linking Words
increases
Wrong verb form
increase
show examples
 the average life span of
people
Use synonyms
 who live in
cities
Use synonyms
 and intensifies the
urbanisation
Use synonyms
, because they can get medical treatment faster and easier than
people
Use synonyms
 who live in rural
areas
Use synonyms
.
Body · 2
We can resolve
this
Linking Words
 problem by establishing major national public institutions in the
countryside
Use synonyms
. So many
people
Use synonyms
 will go to rural
areas
Use synonyms
 to get their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, which can relieve population density.
For example
Linking Words
, in Korea, the government gives some subsidies to encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to live in
local
Correct article usage
the local
show examples
 area. Especially in my hometown, a lot of national public institutions
such
Linking Words
 as LH(an agency that manages national land), KEPCO(Korea Electric Power Corporation), and KOEN(Korea South-East Power Company). As many companies are located in country side,
people
Use synonyms
 who used to live in urban
areas
Use synonyms
 have moved to the
countryside
Use synonyms
. It can make
urbanisation
Use synonyms
 weaker and
also
Linking Words
 make rural
areas
Use synonyms
 more
developmental
Replace the word
developed
.
Conclusion
Although
Linking Words
 the intensification of
urbanisation
Use synonyms
 has emerged as a problem, we can resolve
this
Linking Words
 problem by establishing major national public institutions in the
Use synonyms
countryside
Punctuation problem
countryside,
show examples
 because many
people
Use synonyms
 will move to the
countryside
Use synonyms
 to get their jobs.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You talk a lot about city growth, but you do not explain enough other problems of longer life, like pressure on health care, pensions, and care for old people.
task response
Make your main position very clear. In the first line, you say it is positive, but the task asks about problems and measures. Focus on the question from the start.
task response
Develop ideas more. Each main point needs a clear cause, result, and solution.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear paragraph order: intro, problem, solution, conclusion. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some ideas repeat, and some sentences are too long. Try simple links like 'first', 'because', 'so', and 'as a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Check grammar in linking sentences. Small errors make the flow less smooth, for example 'can cause increased of population density' should be simpler and clearer.
task response
You give a real example from Korea. This makes your idea stronger.
task response
Your solution matches your main problem, so the essay has a clear direction.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraphs with an ending paragraph, which is good for overall flow.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • pension systems
  • healthcare services
  • workforce shortages
  • economic growth
  • social isolation
  • mental health issues
  • urban planning
  • accessible infrastructure
  • intergenerational tension
  • resource allocation
  • sustainable solutions
  • elderly care
  • retirement age
  • government policies
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