IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart gives data on the proportion of chubby Australian women and men over a period of thirty years between 1980 and 2010 .

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The bar chart gives data on the proportion of chubby Australian women and men over a
period
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 of thirty years
between
Punctuation problem
, between
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 1980 and 2010 . In terms of Australian males ,
The
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the
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period
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 from 1980 to 2000 witnessed a substantial surge in the proportion of
overheavy
Replace the word
overweight
 guys in
this
Linking Words
 Southern Hemisphere nation . During a
period
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 of one year between 2000 and 2010 , the number of obese Australian fellows decreased slightly but steadily . In 2000 , the rate of plump males accounted for about 65
percent
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per cent
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 of total men . Concurrently , with women in Australia,
There
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there
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 was a momentous increase in the proportion of bulky womenfolk throughout the course of two decades from 1980 to 2000 . The percentages of cumbersome womanhood went up progressively over the
period
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 between 2000 and 2010 . From the shown graph, it's evident that the obesity of males experienced a dramatic growth in Australia throughout the
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period
Punctuation problem
period,
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that hit
Wrong verb form
reaching
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 a peak in 2000 . And outpacing the more modest rise observed in females .

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Add some linking words.
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Linking words: Add more linking words.
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words period with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "gives" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "data" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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