IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems.Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Start now →
Introduction
It is
believe
Wrong verb form
believed
show examples
 that many
healthy
Replace the word
health
problems
Use synonyms
because of
Verb problem
are caused by
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 rich in
sugar
Use synonyms
.
while
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
raise
Wrong verb form
raising
show examples
 these
Use synonyms
food‘s
Check wording
foods' prices
show examples
price
Use synonyms
 may help
people
Use synonyms
 reduce
sugar
Use synonyms
 intake. I believe that it is not the most effective solution, as
this
Linking Words
 approach is unfair and limited.
Body · 1
Increasing the
price
Use synonyms
 of high-
sugar
Use synonyms
foods
Use synonyms
 could lead to
people
Use synonyms
 who really need these
foods
Use synonyms
can not
Wrong verb form
being unable
show examples
 to pay.
Sugar
Use synonyms
 is significant to many
people
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as someone who
with
Verb problem
has a
show examples
 lifelong illness
needs
Correct pronoun usage
, who needs
show examples
 to balance
of his
Correct word order
their blood sugar
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 blood.
For instance
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who
with long time did
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 not eat
foods
Use synonyms
can raise
Correct word order
for a long time can raise their
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 blood
by
Check wording
sugar levels with
show examples
 sugary
Use synonyms
food
Check wording
foods
show examples
 like bananas. And most
sportsman
Fix the agreement mistake
sportsmen
show examples
also
Linking Words
 need sugary
foods
Use synonyms
 to keep
stability
Correct article usage
the stability
show examples
 of blood
sugar
Use synonyms
.What is more,
people
Use synonyms
 always use milk tea to make themselves happier once a week. So it is unfair that these
people
Use synonyms
 should
cost
Verb problem
pay
show examples
 more to buy the high-
sugar
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
.
Body · 2
Additionally
Linking Words
,
with
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 the
price
Use synonyms
 of sugary
food
Use synonyms
go
Correct subject-verb agreement
goes
show examples
 up,
people
Use synonyms
 may use other high-salt and high-fat products
replace
Verb problem
to replace
show examples
 it, which
cloud
Use the right word
could
show examples
 give rise to
healthy
Replace the word
health
problems
Use synonyms
. Increasing the
price
Use synonyms
 of the
food
Use synonyms
 just precent low income family from choosing the
food
Use synonyms
.
People
Use synonyms
 just purely think
sugar
Use synonyms
 lead the health
problems
Use synonyms
. Generally daily
food
Use synonyms
 contains
sugar
Use synonyms
 we eat can not lead
serious
Change preposition
to serious
show examples
 health
problems
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, caring about
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 health
problems
Use synonyms
 should not just increase the
price
Use synonyms
 of high-
sugar
Use synonyms
commodity
Check wording
commodities
show examples
, owing to the fact that
this
Linking Words
 could treat someone
unfair
Replace the word
unfairly
 and limit a lot of things.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the question more directly in each part. Say clearly why you do not agree, and keep this same line all through the essay.
task response
Add clearer support for your main ideas. Some examples are not fully clear or do not strongly prove your point.
task response
Develop each main point with a simple reason and one clear example. This will make your ideas more complete.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body part so the reader can follow your plan easily.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simpler way. Words like first, also, however, and so can help show the flow better.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence connects well to the next one. Now, some parts feel sudden or hard to follow.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and again in the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic clear shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
task response
You try to use examples to support your ideas, which is good for task response.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: