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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can acheive anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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Introduction
Children
Use synonyms
 can achieve whatever they want
,
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apply
show examples
 if they try their best, encouraged by some people in some cultures.
However
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,
this
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 can be
motivative
Replace the word
motivating
, but it may have some negative effects. Both perspectives will be examined before I present my own viewpoint
Body · 1
On the
one
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 hand,
one
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 of the main
advantage
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advantages
show examples
 of
message
Correct article usage
a message
show examples
 is that
,
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apply
show examples
children
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 take things seriously.
This
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massage
Use the right word
message
show examples
 contains deep meanings, and
have
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has
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 the ability to move
childrens heart
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children's hearts
show examples
.
As a result
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, they start believing in themselves. They grow confidence, which makes them strong
,
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apply
show examples
 and
hardworker
Replace the word
hardworking
. Another positive aspect is that
,
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apply
show examples
chilldren
Correct your spelling
children
 are getting
motivation
Correct article usage
the motivation
show examples
 that
often
Correct pronoun usage
they often
show examples
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 for their mental growth. They become motivated,
concious
Correct your spelling
conscious
 about their goal, disciplined, and resilient.
Therefore
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, they push themselves to achieve their aim, and
able
Verb problem
are able
show examples
 to unlock their full potential.
Body · 2
On the other hand
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,
this
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 lesson
also
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 some disadvantages.
One
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mojor
Correct your spelling
major
 drawback is that
,
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apply
show examples
 it leads some
children
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 to
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
show examples
 path. The reality is, not every human is
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
, and not every
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children
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child
show examples
 can achieve whatever
thay
Correct your spelling
they
 want. Sometimes, it takes more
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then
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than
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 motivation,
perseverence
Correct your spelling
perseverance
, or
hardwork
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hard work
. So, it is often wise to give up on something that
required
Wrong verb form
requires
show examples
 talent
,
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apply
show examples
 or time.
For instance
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, many students waste their valuable time
persuing
Correct your spelling
pursuing
 their dream,
instead
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 of choosing smartly, what will benefit them, or doing things they are good at.
Instead
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, they
stuck
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get stuck
show examples
 in
one
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 place and
ultimatley
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ultimately
 lose everything, and never discover what is best for them.
Moreover
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, these
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
show examples
 to
depresion
Correct your spelling
depression
, failure, insecurity and
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
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 them vulnerable.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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this
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 message has many benefits, it has its drawbacks too.
Despite
Correct word choice
Although
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 it can make a
Use synonyms
children
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child
show examples
 invincible, it
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also can
Correct word order
can also
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 lead to wrong
decision
Check wording
decisions
show examples
,
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apply
show examples
 or
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
show examples
 path.

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task response
For task response: answer both sides more fully. Your main idea is clear, but some points are too general.
task response
For task response: add one clear real example for each body paragraph. This will make your ideas stronger.
task response
For task response: explain your own view more clearly in the end, not only repeat both sides.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: your essay has a clear 4-part shape, which is good. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: link some ideas more smoothly. At times, the jump from one sentence to the next is too sudden.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: check word use like 'message', 'lesson', and 'path' so the meaning stays clear.
task response
You answered both the good side and the bad side of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body paragraph has one main side.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • hard work
  • advantage
  • disadvantage
  • message
  • encourage
  • effort
  • success
  • confidence
  • believe
  • resilience
  • challenge
  • failure
  • pressure
  • talent
  • interest
  • mindset
  • growth
  • self-esteem
  • worth
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