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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The pie graph illustrates the percentage of the online shopping
sales
Use synonyms
fro
Correct your spelling
for
 retail sectors
in
Linking Words
particular
Correct article usage
a particular
show examples
 region in
Newzealand
Correct your spelling
New Zealand
 from 2003 to 2013 ,
categorized
Change the spelling
categorised
show examples
 by
travel
Use synonyms
,
Use synonyms
flim
Correct your spelling
film
/
music
Use synonyms
, books and
clothes
Use synonyms
 In
term
Check wording
terms
show examples
 of the comparison of the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of both
travel
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
clothes
Punctuation problem
clothes,
show examples
tend to
Verb problem
there is
show examples
 a significant
godown
Correct your spelling
downturn
 over the period of 10 years between 2003 and 2013.
For instance
Linking Words
, in 2003 the
travel
Use synonyms
always
Verb problem
was always
show examples
chose prioritize
Wrong verb form
prioritised
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 with approx 36%
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 after 10 years, that number has dropped significantly to just 29%.
Beside
Change preposition
Besides
show examples
, the priority given
Use synonyms
clothes
Change preposition
to clothes
show examples
second
Verb problem
is second
show examples
 only to
travel
Use synonyms
accounting
Punctuation problem
, accounting
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 for more than 115 of the
overall
Linking Words
proportion
Use synonyms
, during
Punctuation problem
. During
show examples
 10 years, in
2013
Punctuation problem
2013,
show examples
 the percentage was
slight
Replace the word
slightly
 decreased
about
Punctuation problem
, about
show examples
 8%
compared
Punctuation problem
, compared
show examples
 to the original Regarding
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the difference
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the percentages of
Use synonyms
flim
Correct your spelling
film
/
music
Use synonyms
 and book was changed in a significant
up ward
Correct your spelling
upward
 direction. The online shopping
sales
Use synonyms
 fro retail sectors of
book
Check wording
books
show examples
 witnessed a substantial growth between 2003 and
2013
Punctuation problem
2013,
show examples
 from around 19% to over 22% following bt
flim
Use synonyms
/
music
Use synonyms
Linking Words
also
Check wording
sector, also
show examples
have many
Correct word order
many have
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 chosen
make
Verb problem
to make
show examples
 the percentage of
Use synonyms
flim
Correct your spelling
film
/
music
Use synonyms
 fluctuate account for 33%-
this
Linking Words
 number the largest and accounted for the highest
proportion
Use synonyms
 in 2013 The graph
the
Verb problem
shows the
show examples
 data about the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of the online shopping
sales
Use synonyms
fro
Correct your spelling
for
 retail sectors in
Newzealand
Correct your spelling
New Zealand
 between 2003
to
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 2013
, the
Punctuation problem
. The
show examples
 most prevalent from
Use synonyms
flim
Correct your spelling
film
/
music
Use synonyms
 and books experienced a dramatic surge in the online shopping
sales
Use synonyms
 ,
whereas
Linking Words
travel
Use synonyms
 and
clothes
Use synonyms
 saw a notable decline over the period

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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, travel, flim, music, clothes, proportion with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 3 times.
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