IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that the radio is more enjoyable and practical than TV. do you agree or disagree?

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It is said that individuals enjoy listening to the
radio
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 more than watching
television
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.
Although
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television
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 offers various educational visuals, I believe that the primary source of entertainment would be the
radio
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 because of its numerous benefits. One key reason why the
radio
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 provides more enjoyment is its convenience.
Television
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 engages
people
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 in a great way in terms of watching movies and series , but it limits them from exploring other activities at the same time.
Radios
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;
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
however
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, provide
information
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 which can only be listened to, which enables individuals to take an interest in other tasks
while
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 listening,
such
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 as driving, cooking, reading and writing.
This
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 advantage of the
radio
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 not only enhances entertainment but
also
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 allows
people
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 to multitask efficiently. Accessibility of the
radio
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 is another factor of being practical . The size of the
radio
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 is usually very small , and it can even be used in remote areas where there is no
internet
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 access. Those communities that are deprived of the
internet
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,
radios
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 still remain an accessible and reliable source of
information
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 . Most importantly, during natural disasters,
radios
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 play an important role in delivering emergency alerts and helpful
information
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 to the public.
In contrast
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, advanced technology has been creating smart televisions which can only be used with the
internet
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 or wi-fi, limiting their availability in remote areas.
Television
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 has its own strengths. By producing TV programs,
such
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 as documentaries, sports, or dramas, it has become a more engaging entertainment source for
people
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.
However
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, watching
television
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 can sometimes affect physical problems, specifically the eyes and increase the chances of obesity.
This
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 is because individuals get attracted by the visual content of TV and ignore their other tasks.
Therefore
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, it proves that
television
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 is less enjoyable than the
radio
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. In conclusion,
although
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 televisions deliver
information
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 by using videos, the association of the
internet
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 and wi-fi makes it less reliable for areas where there is less or no
internet
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.
Therefore
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, I highly believe that the benefits of
radios
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 enable
people
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 to enjoy
this
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 important device in various ways without needing visual
information
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.

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task response
Make your main answer more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly that you agree, and keep this line very simple.
task response
Give one or two more clear real examples for radio, like news in villages or traffic reports for drivers.
task response
Some ideas are good, but a few are not fully explained. For example, say more about why radio is more enjoyable, not only more practical.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part shape, which is good. Keep one main idea in each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Some parts have too many commas or pauses, which makes the flow less smooth.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph unity. In paragraph 3, the part about health problems fits better as support, but the last line jumps too fast to the final claim.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion through the essay.
task response
Your points are relevant, especially convenience, easy use, and help in remote places.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs have one main focus, so the reader can follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • practical = useful in real life
  • enjoyable = fun and pleasant
  • convenient = easy to use
  • portable = easy to carry
  • background listening = listening while doing other things
  • keep people informed = give news and updates
  • full attention = complete focus
  • visual content = things you can see on a screen
  • engaging = interesting and able to hold attention
  • cost-effective = good value for the money
  • accessible = easy to get or use
  • multitask = do more than one thing at the same time
  • live broadcast = a program sent out at the same time it happens
  • follow the story = understand what happens
  • fit a busy life = be suitable for a busy schedule
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