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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People should be encouraged to buy only domestic products, not foreign products. Other people think we shoul be able to buy what we prefer. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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Introduction
It is argued by some people that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
to buy
Wrong verb form
buying
show examples
 local
Use synonyms
product
Check wording
products
show examples
 should be encouraged
instead
Linking Words
 of foreign
ones
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others think that it depends on the people’s preferences. From my perspective, they have
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 to
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 what they want to buy
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Body · 1
On the one hand, it is true that local
product
Use synonyms
 sales are so important for
countries
Check wording
a country's
show examples
 economy. It helps
to economically
Replace the word
economic
 growth.
For example
Linking Words
, thanks to buying some local
Use synonyms
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 like
vegetable
Check wording
vegetables
show examples
, farmers
getting
Verb problem
are getting
show examples
 wealthier.
This
Linking Words
 is
vital
Correct article usage
a vital
show examples
 situation because, when they
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
earn money, they start to investigate more
Use synonyms
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 that can be
produce
Wrong verb form
produced
show examples
 in
land
Check wording
the country
show examples
 and
then
Linking Words
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
 does not need to get
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
show examples
 from
another
Check wording
other countries
show examples
ones
Use synonyms
.
At the end
Linking Words
, that benefit is not only for local
citizens wealthness
Replace the word
citizens' wealth
 but
also
Linking Words
 it reduces
country’s
Correct article usage
the country’s
show examples
 general
economical
Replace the word
economic
 situation.
Body · 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some of
product
Use synonyms
 can not be
design
Wrong verb form
designed
show examples
 and constructed in the same country.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, each
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 has different kinds of taste. Because of that, even though the local products have several benefits, the decision
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to get something
that is
Linking Words
 paid for depends on
the
Check wording
one's
show examples
ones
Use synonyms
 preferences. So it is understandable
,
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 some vegetables or
fruit
Check wording
fruits
show examples
 can be
buy
Wrong verb form
bought
show examples
 from the local markets
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 it is not suitable for each
product
Use synonyms
 type. I firmly believe that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 each person has various perspectives in their decision, they have
to
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 right
about
Change preposition
to buy
show examples
 whatever
wants they buy
Correct word order
they want
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, citizens should be free with their preferences.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the
product
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
grew
Wrong verb form
grown
show examples
 in the same country with sales
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
directly
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 the
folks
Check wording
folks'
show examples
 life standard
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
is accounted
Wrong verb form
accounts
show examples
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half
number
Check wording
apply
show examples
of
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 in the same land, but it will
be caused
Wrong verb form
cause
show examples
 the rest of
Use synonyms
ones
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 preference rights.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about both views, but the side about free choice is clearer than the side about buying home goods.
task response
Give your opinion in a clear way from start to end. Your view is there, but some lines are hard to follow.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. The farm example helps, but you need one more strong example for the other side.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea easy to see. Start each body part with one clear point, then explain it, then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, for example, however, and in conclusion. Some links in your essay sound not natural.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and word order. Some parts are hard to understand, so the flow becomes weak.
task response
You discuss both sides of the topic and give your own view.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You use one example about farmers to support your idea.
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