IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Topic: Of all the global environmental problems, desertification is, perhaps, the most threatening for poor rural people. Desertification is the expansion of desert lands into previously non-desert areas. What are the causes of this problem? What can be done to solve this problem?

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The spread of arid
land
Use synonyms
 into fertile
land
Use synonyms
 designated for agricultural practices is one of the most devastating environmental threats
for
Change preposition
to
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 people in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rural
area
Check wording
areas
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.
This
Linking Words
 crisis is heavily
due to
Linking Words
 human activities, which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 linked to poverty,
mismanagements
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mismanagement
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 of
lands
Check wording
land
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, and these risks can be mitigated through the combination of governmental policies and sustainable community practices in cultivation. One of the major contributors to the crisis in rural areas is overgrazing, driven by cutting-edge technology and
exploitation
Correct article usage
the exploitation
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 of artificial substances. As too many crops are grown on fragile
land
Use synonyms
, the micro-organism can’t carry on
such
Linking Words
 intense nutrient demand, farmers can’t afford
microbe-fertilizers
Change the spelling
microbe-fertilisers
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, and are forced to use cheaper chemical
fertilizers
Change the spelling
fertilisers
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, excessive exploitation of these substances
accumulate
Correct subject-verb agreement
accumulates
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 over time, not only worsening the
microbe
Replace the word
microbial
 community and depending more on the constant use of artificial
fertilizer
Change the spelling
fertiliser
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, but
also
Linking Words
 acidifying the
lands
Check wording
land
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, eventually turning the
land
Use synonyms
 barren.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 deadly cycle can be mitigated through the combination of both governmental regulations and local community solidarity. By cutting taxes on sustainable agricultural
fertilizers
Change the spelling
fertilisers
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,
farmers’s
Check wording
farmers’
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 arguably largest financial burden would be relieved.
Additionally
Linking Words
, NGOs should
organize
Change the spelling
organise
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 campaigns that aim to raise people’s awareness of
fertilizers
Change the spelling
fertilisers
show examples
 and demonstrate proper ways to use them. Together
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 with both
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social awareness and relieved financial stress, farmers can stop soil degradation and prevent desertification from advancing.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, deforestation is another significant factor to be considered. The role of
forest
Correct article usage
the forest
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 is crucial for both
the
Correct article usage
apply
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soil stability and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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local humidity.
While
Linking Words
 tree roots help reinforce the soil structure against future erosion and enrich the local micro-biome with safe shelters on its texture, the leaves help block sunlight, thereby absorbing the intense heat from the sun
instead
Linking Words
 of drying out the
land
Use synonyms
 beneath.
Additionally
Linking Words
, leaves release many water molecules over time, these moisture travel freely in the air, reducing the heat and humidifying the atmosphere. Unfortunately, the growing need for farmland leads to the
demolishing
Replace the word
demolition
 of jungles, slowly removing the natural humidifiers that prevent the area from drought and aridity. To tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue, governments should
prioritize
Change the spelling
prioritise
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 effective cultivation over expansion.
Moreover
Linking Words
, farmers can employ modern growing practices in order to glean as much benefit from their limitations. With advanced methods, we can benefit from our limitations
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 without worsening the domino effect.
To sum up
Linking Words
, poverty-driven overgrazing exploitation is turning fertile lands into dust.
While
Linking Words
dual
Correct article usage
a dual
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 top-down approach and raising people's awareness are necessary to put an end to the potential crisis, without effective execution, even technological advances are unworkable and helpless.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly. You talk about causes and fixes, but some ideas are not fully clear.
task response
Use examples that are more real and specific. This will make your ideas stronger.
task response
Some main ideas are good, but a few points are not accurate or are mixed up, like overgrazing and crops in the same point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is not smooth. You use 'however' too much, and sometimes it does not fit.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. This will make your writing easier to follow.
task response
You answer both the causes and the solutions, so you address the full task.
task response
You give more than one cause and more than one solution, which helps your essay feel complete.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well organized into introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs have a clear main point.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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