IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Currently,
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
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 is
debate
Correct article usage
a debate
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 over whether
children
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 should learn
own
Correct determiner usage
their own
show examples
country
Correct word order
country's history or
show examples
history
Use synonyms
 or opposite the
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world
Check wording
world's
show examples
history
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. From my perspective,
children
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 should learn more
world
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history
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 as it helps to form respect for other cultures and broaden horizon about
Use synonyms
world
Correct article usage
the world
show examples
. On the one hand, learning
world
Use synonyms
history
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 is extremely important for
children
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. The reason for
this
Linking Words
 is that it fosters respect for other cultures, helps to understand political and economic laws,
learning
Correct word choice
and learning
show examples
 from past mistakes. When
children
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 study the
history
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 of different nations, they become more open-minded and behave differently.
For example
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,
In
Fix capitalization
in
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Uzbekistan
Add a comma
Uzbekistan,
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 people learn
effective
Correct article usage
an effective
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 school curriculum from countries
such
Linking Words
 as Finland by analysing their historical development.
Therefore
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, learning
world
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history
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 for
children
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 will bring
big
Correct article usage
a big
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 advantage.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, studying
own
Correct determiner usage
one's own
show examples
 country's
history
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 is fruitful for the future. The reason for
this
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 is
it
Correct word choice
that it
show examples
 helps cultures maintain, learning from mistakes, correcting them,
planning
Correct word choice
and planning
show examples
 for the future. By understanding the achievements and failures of previous generations,
children
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 can develop a stronger sense of national identity and responsibility.
For example
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, Japan has learned from its past mistakes and is now one of the 7 most developed countries in the
world
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.
Therefore
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, it is important to study
own
Correct determiner usage
one's own
show examples
 country's
history
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 for
children
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. In conclusion, it's significant to learn the
history
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 of your own place, but learning more about
world
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history
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also
Linking Words
 gives every child an advantage in their future.

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task response
Answer the question more clearly. Say if you agree, disagree, or partly agree, and keep this same view in all parts.
task response
Make your main idea stronger in each body paragraph. Add one clear point, then explain it, then give one example.
task response
Use examples that fit the idea in a direct way. Some examples now are not fully clear or specific.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Use simple words like first, also, however, because, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order. Some parts are hard to follow because ideas are listed, not fully joined into full sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph have one clear focus. This will help the essay feel more organized.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear essay shape with introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You discuss both local history and world history, so you address the topic.
task response
You try to give reasons and examples in both body paragraphs.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • heritage
  • cultural identity
  • ancestry
  • traditions
  • globalization
  • empathy
  • contemporary issues
  • integrate
  • perspective
  • civilization
  • diversity
  • innovations
  • historical significance
  • nationalism
  • cosmopolitanism
  • historiography
  • geopolitical
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