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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some believe that modern technology has made people less socially active, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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In
this
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 contemporary world, there has been an increasing debate among scholars
whether
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about whether
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 modern
technologies
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 have
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
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 impact on our lives or not. Some argue that it has
detrimental
Correct article usage
a detrimental
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 impact on social interaction and increased isolation, whilst others contend that it has connected the world together and increased our networking.
Although
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 both perspectives carry considerable merits, I strongly believe that
the
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apply
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modern technology has made our lives
easy
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easy,
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 as it makes
communication
Use synonyms
 convenient and networking possible. On one hand, proponents claim that youth are highly engaged with modern
technologies
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, which
dramatically
Verb problem
has dramatically
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 decreased their social interaction and isolated them. They prefer using
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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, gaming platforms, and mobile phones, which have not only impacted their
communication
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 skills but
also
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 decreased
real
Correct determiner usage
their real
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 connection with their community.
For example
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, young people nowadays are found playing PubG in their
mobile
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mobiles
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, which required significant amount of their time
,
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;
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 they
rather
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would rather
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prefer to
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apply
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be alone playing than
spending
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spend
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 quality
of
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apply
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time with their families.
Similarly
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,
popularity
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the popularity
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 of dating sites is
the
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apply
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strong evidence of decreasing human interaction because it has become impossible for individuals to meet face-to-face in a social setting.
On the other hand
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, modern
technologies
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 have made daily
communication
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 convenient and networking accessible.
This
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 means the techonology have made physical distance disappear, people are able to connect with
eachother
Correct your spelling
each other
 regardless of their distance.
For example
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, as an international student myself, I'm able to communicate with my family overseas within
matter
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a matter
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 of
few
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a few
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 seconds, unlike old traditional times when one had to write letters.
Furthermore
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, it has
also
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 made global networking possible because working professionals are able to help their
client
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clients
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 through video and voice calls.
This
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 clearly demonstrates that modern
technologies
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 have improved our
communication
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 and connection, which is significant for human
being
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beings
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 as we are
social
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a social
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 animal.
To conclude
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, despite the valid concern that
technologies
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 have
negative
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a negative
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 impact on our human interactions, I remain firmly convinced that they are significant as they have connected us with our communities and made
communication
Use synonyms
 more accessible and convenient.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. The second side is a bit stronger than the first side.
task response
Give one more clear idea for each main paragraph, or explain one idea more fully.
task response
Use examples with clearer detail. Some examples are good, but they need more support.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences more direct. This will help the reader follow your main point fast.
coherence and cohesion
Link some sentences more smoothly. At times, the flow is broken by long sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea in different words. This can make the essay less tight.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and clear.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear 4-part structure, which is easy to follow.
task response
You use relevant real-life examples, like family contact and online games.
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