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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

"Fast food companies should be banned from advertising their products. Do you agree or disagree?

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people
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 think that junk
food
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companies
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 must be prohibited from promoting their
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meals
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products
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. In my opinion, I completely disagree with
this
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 statement, and I believe that
companise
Correct your spelling
companies
 should not
prevented
Verb problem
be prevented
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 from doing advertising because of the affordability of these
meals
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 and the
time
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 poverty of
people
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 . First of all, I believe that the main reason for the popular use of processed
food
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 is
a
Correct article usage
apply
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time
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 poverty. In fact,
people
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 work long
hours
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 up to seven
hours
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 per day, so they choose fast
food
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 or ready-to-eat
meals
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.
Although
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 fast
food
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 appears not to be the healthiest option,
people
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 can still make balanced choices by eating it rarely rather than banning its advertisements.
Moreover
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, there are
companies
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 that offer options like
calories-measured
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calorie-measured
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meals
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. A study published by New York University concluded that workers who preferred to choose ready
meals
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 sustained productivity more.
Therefore
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, inhibiting
companies
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 from promoting their products could result in employees getting more breaks and lower productivity.
In addition
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, I believe that junk
food
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 is affordable, cheaper, and easier to find than fresh, organic ingredients.What I mean is, these foods are prepared and wrapped to stay fresh for long
hours
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.
Furthermore
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, since they are made in a refreshing way that endures the working
hours
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, the majority of
people
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 choose them over the regular cooked
meals
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.
For example
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, if a worker has a short break, he will prefer to enjoy his break
instead
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 of spending
time
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 cooking a meal.
As a result
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, if
companies
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 are banned from advertising,
people
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 will
loose
Use the right word
lose
show examples
 that option. In conclusion, I believe that
companies
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 must not be restricted from doing ads because of
time
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 poverty and affordability that suit
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
workers’ lifestyles.

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task response
Make your main idea more clear in each body part.
task response
Add more direct support for why ads should not be banned.
task response
Use examples that clearly match your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly with simple words like first, also, and so.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use some linking words in the wrong place, like although.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph stay on one clear main idea.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You use some examples to support your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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