IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Television dominates the free time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socializing with others. Do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In the past few years
ago
Punctuation problem
, ago
show examples
 all population , all
comunities
Correct your spelling
communities
 in
this
Linking Words
 world
start
Wrong verb form
have started
show examples
 to employ one discgen ,
Body paragraph 1
wich
Correct your spelling
which
 was
television
Use synonyms
 , and after
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
Use synonyms
time
Punctuation problem
time,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 tecnology change the people
,
Correct word order
. Additionally,
show examples
additionally
Linking Words
 it change thier mantels
in addition
Linking Words
 , it take thier
time
Use synonyms
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
 , it can
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sometimes
more
Verb problem
be more
show examples
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
show examples
 with others . From my
prospactive
Correct your spelling
perspective
,
althoght
Correct your spelling
although
 the
televevion
Correct your spelling
television
 has advantages aspect ,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
damage
Correct subject-verb agreement
damages
show examples
people
Punctuation problem
people,
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
it
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them
relationshep
Correct your spelling
relationship
.
Body paragraph 2
To
bigen
Correct your spelling
begin
 with , in
this
Linking Words
era
Add a comma
era,
show examples
 a lot of people do not
use
Use synonyms
television
Use synonyms
 , but they
use
Use synonyms
ipads
Fix capitalization
iPads
show examples
, computers and phones
in
Punctuation problem
. In
show examples
 fact , all
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 are
Use synonyms
television
Fix the agreement mistake
televisions
show examples
 but small sice ,if you
cheak
Correct your spelling
check
 how
mach
Correct your spelling
much
 you
use
Use synonyms
this
Linking Words
discgens
Punctuation problem
discgens,
show examples
 you will find hours and hours in radio ,
tik tok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
 and youtuop all that takeing your
time
Use synonyms
 and
makeing
Correct your spelling
make
your day more short ,
in
Linking Words
addition
Punctuation problem
addition,
show examples
 it
lower
Correct subject-verb agreement
lowers
show examples
 your productivity in day .
Body paragraph 3
Moreover
Linking Words
,if you
staying
Verb problem
are staying
show examples
 on
television
Use synonyms
 to long
time
Use synonyms
 and do not go with your
frinds
Correct your spelling
friends
 or your family ,
Body paragraph 4
that
damag
Correct your spelling
damages
 your
relationshep
Correct your spelling
relationships
 and your social life ,
such
Linking Words
 as your family
go
Wrong verb form
going
show examples
 to a resturent but you did not go
becuase
Correct your spelling
because
 you
want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
 to watch a movie , that make your family and frind used to do not takeing you
to any where
Change preposition
anywhere
show examples
 and
used
Wrong verb form
stop attending
show examples
 to apsenc you .
Conclusion
in conclsuion
Correct your spelling
In conclusion
,
althought
Correct your spelling
although
 the positive aspect of the TV ,
remaper
Correct your spelling
remember
 any increased more than
need
Wrong verb form
needed
show examples
 will
damag
Correct your spelling
damage
 you , and you should
relaise
Correct your spelling
realise
 your
relationshep
Correct your spelling
relationship
 is more important than any discgen
Punctuation problem
. Additionally
show examples
additionally
Linking Words
 ,
use
Use synonyms
 your
time
Use synonyms
wasly
Correct your spelling
wisely
 because you can not repeat it .

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main view very clear in the first part. Say one simple idea: you agree, disagree, or partly agree.
task response
Add one more clear reason for your view, and explain it step by step.
task response
Use examples with more detail. For example, say what people miss when they watch too much TV.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each body part. Do not mix too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words well: First, Also, For example, So, In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence follows the one before it in a clear way.
task response
You answer the topic and give a clear view that too much TV can hurt social life.
task response
You use a real example about family going to a restaurant. This helps your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an opening, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to connect ideas with words like in addition, moreover, and in conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: