IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people argue that the government should give every unemployed person a mobile phone and should make sure they have access to the Internet. They believe this is the best way of using public money to reduce the problem of unemployment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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 modern era, it is undeniable that the economy of every nation depends on technology. Some individuals believe that authorities should provide cell
phones
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 with free
internet
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 access to jobless
people
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, and
this
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 initiative will
help
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 to reduce the unemployment problem. I firmly disagree with
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this
Correct determiner usage
the
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 notion that the unemployment problem will be uprooted by mobile
phones
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. First of all, with the
help
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 of
internet
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, unemployed
people
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 can find online jobs with the
help
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 of
internet
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. To illustrate, jobless
youngsters
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 will search on different websites to find jobs in which they have an interest, and they can
also
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 start their own business with the
help
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 of the
internet
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 to make some money.
For instance
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, as per recent reports, 90% of unemployed
people
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 are making money through a
freelancer
Replace the word
freelance
 website where they teach children online with the
help
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 of the
internet
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.
Furthermore
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, the
internet
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 will
help
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 unemployed
people
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 to learn skills online ,
such
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 as trading or web design, which will
help
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 them earn some income.
On the other hand
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, with a mobile phone, jobless
people
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 can get distracted easily because when they use the
internet
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 to find jobs, they can start scrolling social
media
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 and waste their time and energy , which can ruin their future. To clarify, sometimes
people
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 have more interest in social
media
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 and are addicted to it. So, when they have free access to the
internet
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 and mobile
phones
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, they will forget everything
,
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apply
show examples
 and start using social
media
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.
For example
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,
according to
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 the Department of Digital
Media
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, 70% of
youngsters
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 are sitting on social
media
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 continuously for about 4-5 hours , and those
youngsters
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 are supposed to study rather than use the
internet
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. In conclusion, cell
phones
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 will be helpful for
youngsters
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 in learning new skills , and
also
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this
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 will
help
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 to open their own online business to make some money
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apply
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whereas
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, mobiles
phones
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 with free
internet
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 can ruin
youngsters
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’ lives by wasting their time and energy. In my opinion, the idea to provide mobile
phones
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 with
internet
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 to solve the problem of unemployment is totally false.

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task response
Make your main view fully clear from start to end. You say you disagree, but one body part supports the other side too much.
task response
Answer the full question more directly. Explain more clearly why this use of public money is not the best way.
task response
Give stronger and more real support for your ideas. Some examples sound too general or may not be true.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body paragraph. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some sentences repeat the same words like 'with the help of internet'.
coherence and cohesion
Develop each point a bit more. Explain cause and result in a clearer way.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words like 'First of all', 'On the other hand', and 'In conclusion'.
task response
You give ideas about both benefits and problems of phones and internet for jobless people.
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