IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some countries spend a lot of money preparing competitors to take part in major competitions such as Olympic Games or football World Cup. Some people say that it would be better to spend this money encouraging children to take up sports from a young age. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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A
sports
Use synonyms
 competition can always be an event gathering
people
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 in a country together. With the limited budget, it is meaningful to consider how to effectively allocate money to achieve a win-win situation. I reckon that, compared to investing a large sum of capital in preparing competitors a few years before the significant competition, it is more valuable for the government to raise
residents
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' interest in participating in relevant exercises.
This
Linking Words
 essay will prove
this
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 perspective by analysing the effects of increasing athletes' general quality in the long term and citizens' health statistics. To start with, encouraging
children
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 to take up
sports
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 from their childhood dramatically increases the total number of
residents
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 participating in certain competitions, which directly enlarges the group of
people
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 who are potentially eligible to be selected to represent their country in major events.
Consequently
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, the players and teams who come from countries that encourage
children
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 to participate in
sports
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 possess more competitive skills.
For instance
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, it is well-known that European soccer teams
such
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 as Liverpool have provided a great deal of football stars.
In contrast
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, players from China can hardly maintain their performance during the latter part of the game. Since only a small portion of the Chinese are encouraged to learn how to play football from childhood, leading to the phenomenon that the athletes' running speed and duration are much lower, and it is difficult to improve in a short time.
Therefore
Linking Words
, making the competitions accessible to young
people
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 is quite significant. What's more, promoting young
people
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 to take part in
sports
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 improves their health level, with the following generations' physical capacity rising responsively as well. In the long run,
this
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 approach can effectively increase
residents
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' health data. A case in point is Norway, they have released the policy of "all citizens do exercises" for decades.
Children
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 are led by qualified volunteers to go camping around the suburb, with facilities provided by the government inside primary schools. Currently, doing exercise has been part of their DNA, which effectively prevents them from fundamental diseases,
such
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 as obesity.
This
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 example fully proved that supporting
children
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 to participate in
sports
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 games benefits future
residents
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 physically.
Above all
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, spending more capital to help young citizens approach
sports
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 is not only more necessary to prepare for major competitions, but
also
Linking Words
 useful to prevent them from disease. Because of these, the government should invest more money in building infrastructure that supports physical events.

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task response
Make your main answer even more direct. Say clearly that you agree, and keep this same line all through the essay.
task response
Add one short idea for the other side, then explain why your view is still stronger. This will make your answer feel more full.
task response
Some examples are good, but one or two feel too general or not fully proven. Use examples that are more clear and easy to trust.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. To make it stronger, make the first line of each body paragraph more simple and direct.
coherence and cohesion
A few long sentences are hard to follow. Split them into two shorter sentences so the reader can move more easily from one idea to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used well, but do not use too many. Use simple links like first, also, for example, and therefore.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion from the start.
task response
Your two main ideas are on topic: better future players and better public health.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas, which helps your points feel real.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main idea, and this gives your essay good order.
coherence and cohesion
Words like to start with, what's more, consequently, and therefore help connect ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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