IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical services should not be run by profit- making companies. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?

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It is often argued that health care is a basic human right and
therefore
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 should not be controlled by companies whose main aim is to make a profit.
While
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 private medical
services
Use synonyms
 may offer faster treatment and better facilities, I believe that the drawbacks, especially the high cost and limited accessibility for low-income
people
Use synonyms
, are more significant than the advantages. On the one hand, private
services
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 can provide several benefits. Doctors often receive treatment because they work quickly and with quality.
In addition
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, private
services
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 are renowned for modern technology, a lot of facilities, advanced medical equipment and comfortable environments.
In addition
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, it is usually constructed surrounded by trees , so it is a peaceful and tranquil place. Therefor it is good for health.
Therefore
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, many
people
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 prefer private hospitals, because patients feel they enjoy the quality of care and higher amenities.
On the other hand
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, disadvantage of private healthcare are more significant. The main reason is
extremely
Correct article usage
the extremely
show examples
 expensive
services
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. Not only are medical
services
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 expensive, but the prices of medicines are
also
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 very high. Poor
people
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 can not use it because it depends on the person's financial situation. In Uzbekistan,
people
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's salary is low other countries.
For example
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, some
people
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 earn $100 a month , and their salary is not enough to payfor alot of money for treatment. There are In conclusion,
although
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 private healthcare offers faster service and quality facilities, there are more disadvantages than advantages. Private medical
services
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 are not suitable for low-income
people
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.
Therefore
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, healthcare should be affordable and available to everyone.

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task response
Answer the full question more clearly. Say why private care has good points, but why the bad points are stronger.
task response
Add one more clear idea about a disadvantage, such as unfair access or stress for poor families.
task response
Use a better example. The example about salary is helpful, but explain it more fully and clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one plan: main idea, explanation, example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully, such as On the one hand, On the other hand, Therefore, and For example.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects well to the next one. Some parts now feel sudden or unfinished.
task response
You gave a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic 4-part structure: introduction, 2 body paragraphs, conclusion.
task response
You used a relevant example about low pay and high medical cost.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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