here has been an increase in the number of parents who are choosing to educate their children at home instead of sending them to school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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Nowadays, educating students at
home
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rather than in schools or educational centers become more convenient for many
people
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.
While
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there are both upsides and downsides to
this
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trend, I personally believe the latter outweigh. One upside of homeschooling is that they do not spend their
time
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commuting on the road.
Consequently
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, they have more leisure
time
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to sleep well, relax, and study.
Overall
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, they live a balanced lifestyle.
Furthermore
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, they do not tire or get exhausted
,
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apply
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after a long day and tired commuting. Being safe is another important benefit of learning at
home
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. Nowadays, street full of thieves who are a substantial threat to individuals, especially young
people
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who cannot defend themselves.
For example
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, in Japan, most students prefer to study at
home
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, because working parents do not worry about their children.
Moreover
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, they have enough
time
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to spend with their family members, strengthening relationship bonds.
However
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, the major downsides of
this
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shift are often twofold. Reducing interaction with their teens and classmates is one of the important drawbacks. At
home
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,
people
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spend their
time
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on screens and gadgets, affecting their communication skills badly.
For example
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, Japanese children are introverted. They do not have the willingness to interact and spend their
time
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with their peers.
As a result
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, it impacted their problem-solving and teamwork skills , which play a crucial role in life. An equally concerning drawback is the lack of physical activity.
People
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used to live in a sedentary lifestyle, which led to serious health problems
such
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as obesity, muscular problems and mental issues like anxiety.
To sum up
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,
although
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homeschooling entails several advantages ,
such
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as saving
time
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and safety, they are not as significant as the disadvantages , which include declining communication and physical activity.

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task response
Make your main view more clear. In the first part, say exactly why the bad points are stronger than the good points.
task response
Add one more clear example for each main point. This will make your ideas feel more real and strong.
task response
Explain your ideas more. Some points are good, but they need one more line to show how or why they happen.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body part. This helps the reader follow your plan easily.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with pronouns like 'they'. Sometimes it is not clear if you mean parents, children, or students.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some sentences feel separate, so add simple joining words and make the order more natural.
task response
You answered the question and gave a clear opinion that the bad points are stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You included both good points and bad points, which fits the task well.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion matches your main view and ends the essay clearly.
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