IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some health problems are directly linked to people's life choices. Why do people make these choices? What can be done to encourage them to make healthier choices instead?

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The scope at which some life
choices
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 impact one’s
health
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 much greater than it is generally thought.
Therefore
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, some
people
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 tend to adopt self-destructive habits without realizing.
As a result
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, they battle with a lot of
health
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 issues. In my opinion, to impact
people
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 to opt for healthier
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choices
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choices,
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 the root cause of the problem should be tackled, namely the lack of self-respect and high sensitivity to
pleasure
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 in some
people
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. In modern society,
people
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 tend to knowingly harm their
health
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and
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, and
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 there are several reasons for that.
Firstly
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, with the increasing development of technologies, social media users became especially sensitive to dopamine,
otherwise
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 known as short-term
pleasure
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.
People
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 started
prioritizing
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prioritising
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 short-term
pleasure
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 over the long-term
effects
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 it has on
health
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. Dopamine can be obtained in many ways, some of which include never-ending scrolling on social media, usage of different substances and alcohol. All of these can have detrimental
effects
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 on both physical and mental
health
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.
Secondly
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, the lack of self-love for themselves and their body is another reason why some
people
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 choosingly harm their
health
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. It is the way by which some individuals demonstrate self-hatred towards themselves. If
people
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 willingly started to opt for healthier lifestyles, the
overall
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living span
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life expectancy
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 of the population would increase. To achieve
this
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people
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, people
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 need to be
acknowledged
Verb problem
informed
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 about the
effects
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 of their habits. By promoting a healthy way of living, the
overall
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 knowledge of the public about the
effects
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 of everyday
choices
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 will increase.
Therefore
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, resulting individuals
to be
Wrong verb form
being
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 more aware of their
choices
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. In conclusion, the reasons that stimulate
people
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 to opt for
choices
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 that negatively impact their
health
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 include high-sensitivity to
pleasure
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,
as well as
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 personal struggles with mental
health
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. To resolve these
issues
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issues,
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people
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 need to be
acknowledged
Verb problem
informed
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 about the long-term
effects
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 these habits cause.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain why people make bad choices, but the part about what can be done is too short.
task response
Add more clear and real examples. This will make your ideas stronger and easier to trust.
task response
Some ideas are not fully clear, such as 'lack of self-love' and 'high sensitivity to pleasure'. Explain them in a simpler and more direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some lines like 'Therefore, resulting individuals...' are not correct and break the flow.
coherence and cohesion
Develop each main point with one full explanation and one example. This will help the essay feel more connected.
task response
You answer the topic and stay on it through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction gives your main idea, and your conclusion finishes the essay clearly.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is divided into clear paragraphs, so it is easy to follow.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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