IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, many manufactured foods and drinks contain a lot of
sugar
Use synonyms
, which causes many health problems. Some
people
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 believe that making these products more expensive is the best way to reduce
sugar
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 consumption. I
part
Replace the word
partly
 agree with
this
Linking Words
 option because higher prices make consumers buy fewer
sweets
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, but it is not enough.
Firstly
Linking Words
, raising
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 price of
sweets
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 is a good idea. When
Use synonyms
sweets
Correct word choice
sweet
show examples
 food and drink cost more money,
people
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 will spend more time considering before buying them.
For example
Linking Words
, if both cola and a box of cake become very expensive, students and poor
people
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 will buy them less often.
Instead
Linking Words
, they will choose cheaper and healthier options
such
Linking Words
 as water or fruit juice.
As a result
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, high prices can directly help
people
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 reduce their daily
sugar
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in-take
Correct your spelling
intake
.
However
Linking Words
, changing the price is not enough to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem. Many
people
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 are addicted to
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sweets
Correct word choice
sweet
show examples
 foods, so they will continue to buy them even if the price is high. To help
people
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 effectively, the government should use education
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
; for
show examples
 example, schools should teach children about the dangers of eating too much
sugar
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, like tooth decay and obesity.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there should be more encouragement
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 consuming healthy food or home meals in
advertisement
Check wording
advertisements
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 or TV commercials to attract attention from kids and young
people
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. In conclusion, I agree that making sugary foods and drinks more expensive can encourage
people
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 to eat less
sugar
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.
However
Linking Words
, I
also
Linking Words
 believe that education and controlling advertisements are equally important to protect public health in the long
team
Use the right word
term
show examples
.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear in the first part. Say from the start that you only partly agree, and keep this line strong in the whole essay.
task response
Add one more clear example to show why high price may not work for all people. This will make your ideas feel more full.
task response
Explain your second main idea more. You say education and ads matter, but give one simple case of how they can change daily food choice.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part shape, which is good. To get a higher score, make the link between ideas smoother inside each part.
coherence and cohesion
Use a few more linking words with care, such as first, however, for example, and as a result. This will help the reader follow your points more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Some word groups are not natural, like sweets food or long team. Check small wording and grammar points because they can make the flow less smooth.
task response
You answer both sides of the idea and give your own view. This is good for task response.
task response
Your main points are easy to see: price can help, but education is also needed.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion. This gives your essay a clear shape.
coherence and cohesion
Words like firstly, however, moreover, and in conclusion help guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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