IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say that what children watch influences their behavior. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behavior most. Discuss both views and give your opinion. MODEL ESSAY:

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A lot of
children
Use synonyms
 do things
strange
Rephrase
strangely
show examples
, but
whay
Correct your spelling
why
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
Furthermore
Linking Words
 whrer they see
this
Linking Words
Use synonyms
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.There was
concetd
Correct your spelling
concern
 about why
children
Use synonyms
 do that . Some people say
children
Use synonyms
 watch
thire
Correct your spelling
their behaviour
behavior
Use synonyms
 ,
while
Linking Words
 others think the time they spend on television and social media influences
theri
Correct your spelling
their behaviour
behavior
Use synonyms
 . In my
opinoin
Correct your spelling
opinion
 
children
Use synonyms
behavior
Use synonyms
 infulences by a lot of resons not just when
them
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 watch or
time spend
Correct word order
spend time
show examples
 on social media
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
is depend on more resons
such
Linking Words
 as
frinds
Correct your spelling
friends
, but
such
Linking Words
 on of them has role and impact . To
bigen withe
Correct your spelling
begin with
, when
children
Use synonyms
 watch has
effect
Correct article usage
an effect
show examples
 on them mental .
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 they think that
Use synonyms
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 is true ,
becuase
Correct your spelling
because
 they believe that mom,dad,
old
Correct word choice
older
show examples
 sister and any one is older
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
than them
he do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not do mistake
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
show examples
 they try to do
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 . In fact ,
children
Use synonyms
 do not just learn behaviors they
also
Linking Words
 learn talk frome lesson
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
acssent
Correct your spelling
accents
 and words .Otherwhise some of
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the children
show examples
children herriy behaivors
Correct your spelling
children's behaviour
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 live in tecnhology world and learn from
this
Linking Words
 world
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
 example , communication tools . In fact , a lot of
children
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 era
lern
Correct your spelling
learn
 from social media .
Linking Words
additionally
Fix capitalization
Additionally
show examples
, it effects on them
behavior
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 talk
Linking Words
such
Change preposition
about things such
show examples
 as
,
Check wording
movies, movis
show examples
movis
Correct your spelling
YouTube challenges
, Youtupe chalnnges and try to do
same the vidues
Correct word order
the same videos
show examples
. All that effect on them mental health and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them more
social isolation
Replace the word
socially isolated
. In conclusion ,
children
Use synonyms
behavior
Use synonyms
 effect from meny resons
not
Punctuation problem
, not
show examples
 just
this
Linking Words
 .
Therefore
Linking Words
 , we should take care about what they watch or what they
follwing
Correct your spelling
follow
, but first we must take care about our
Use synonyms
behavior becuase
Correct your spelling
behaviour because
 they are
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
 from us
Linking Words
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
addition
Punctuation problem
addition,
show examples
 we are
rolemade
Correct your spelling
role models
 for them.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. Say what the first side is, what the second side is, and then give your view in a direct way.
task response
Give one or two clear examples for each side. This will make your ideas stronger and easier to follow.
task response
Some ideas are too general. Explain how what children watch changes behavior, and how long screen time changes behavior.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has four parts, which is good, but many sentences are hard to follow because the order of ideas is not always clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in the right place, like first, also, for example, on the other hand, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Do not mix many points in one long sentence.
task response
You answered the topic and gave your opinion in the introduction and the end.
task response
You tried to discuss both views, not only one side.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, body, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
You used some linking words like furthermore, on the other hand, and in conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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