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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate. Write a report describing the information shown in the two pie graphs.

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The pie charts illustrate the summary of free time and traditional hobbies
according to
Linking Words
 the gender
wise
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
of
boys
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
. There are several types of
activities
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they are differing from their selections. There are
activities
Use synonyms
 engage by
boys
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 basketball, soccer, reading, computer
games
Use synonyms
, skateboarding and listening to
Use synonyms
music
Punctuation problem
music,
show examples
while
Linking Words
girls
Use synonyms
fond
Verb problem
are fond
show examples
 of playing netball, computer
games
Use synonyms
, reading, gymnastics, dancing and listening to
music
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
boys
Use synonyms
 prefer mainly
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
two
activities
Use synonyms
, specifically
basket balls
Check wording
basketball
show examples
 and
compute
Replace the word
computer
games
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
girls
Check wording
girls'
show examples
 desire
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 reading and dancing.
Significantly
Punctuation problem
Significantly,
show examples
 there is
noticeable
Correct article usage
a noticeable
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
equal amount for listening to
music
Use synonyms
 from both parties.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, there is the least number of participants
record
Wrong verb form
recorded
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
boys’
Correct article usage
the boys’
show examples
 side for reading,
whereas
Linking Words
from
Change preposition
among
show examples
girls
Use synonyms
.
As
Change preposition
During
show examples
 the same
period
Add a comma
period,
show examples
boys
Use synonyms
 most prefer to play computer
games
Use synonyms
 and
basketballs
Check wording
basketball
show examples
 as 34% and 26% respectively,
while
Linking Words
girls
Use synonyms
 record their favourite
activities
Use synonyms
 as
over
Change preposition
apply
show examples
above for reading of 21% and dancing of 27%.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
boys
Use synonyms
 demonstrate the lowest of their preference
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 reading
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is 2% which is dramatically decreased amount
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
girls
Use synonyms
 have the least
fond of Listening
Replace the word
fondness for listening
 to
music
Use synonyms
 as same as Netball
of
Punctuation problem
, of
show examples
 10% and 15% respectively.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words boys, girls, activities, games, music with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pie graph/chart
  • survey
  • cultural activities
  • leisure activities
  • participate
  • percentage
  • engage in
  • contrast
  • significantly
  • minimally
  • gender differences
  • equal participation
  • synthesize
  • trends
  • analyze
  • highlight
  • unexpected
  • popular/unpopular
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