IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

2. Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys?

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In the modern era, as technology continues to develop, numerous of playthings have spread in a wide range, worldwide. There is no doubt
,
Correct word choice
that
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 they play a major role in child development. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will examine both the advantages and disadvantages of them. Actually, toys enhance childrens' initial creativity, they lead to the release of their pure universes. They are the best tools for supporting young people's mental health, especially in the 0–3 age range.
However
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, I firmly disagree with providing them with a large number of items. There are several causes for
this
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.
Initially
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, supplying juvenal with plenty of games seems to me a waste of money. They are rarely long-lasting,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 means they break easily.
In particular
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, in
this
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 era, the majority of minors tend to use things in an aggressive way. Respectively, parents should set limits on games. Young people perceive these limitations as restrictions on their personal choices. In the future, they can develop into mature people. To be more specific, parents should avoid raising their clan in a way that makes them always do whatever
their
Correct determiner usage
apply
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they want. From my point of view, it should lead to irreversible outcomes. Even so, the roots of child narcissism begin from these indiscernible details.
To conclude
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, I strongly believe
,
Correct word choice
that
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 families should be aware of almost everything about their households. Undoubtedly,
this
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 does not mean that they should be deprived. They are our future, and we should protect them , and protection starts at home.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. Write one full part about good points and one full part about bad points.
task response
Add one or two clear examples. This will make your ideas stronger and easier to trust.
task response
Some ideas are not fully clear. Use short and direct sentences to explain your meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion, which is good. But the middle parts need a clearer plan.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully, like first, also, however, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Do not mix many different ideas together in the same part.
task response
You answer the topic and give your opinion.
task response
You show both good and bad sides of toys.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start and end.
coherence and cohesion
There is some order in your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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