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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many works used to be done by hand, but nowadays an increasing number of them are done by machines. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this trend.

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In the 21st century, machineries are superseding the manual efforts of labourers or employers in almost every category of
work
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.
This
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 ubiquitous development may be considered
as
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apply
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beneficial, yet it
also
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 renders demerits
which
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, which
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 shall be discussed in
this
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 essay. To commence with the merits, the most prominent one is money, and the time is immensely saved.
Machines
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 are a one-time investment
,
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;
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however
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,
labor
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labour
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 has to be paid daily
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along
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, along
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 with numerous bonuses. Mechanical
work
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 is rapid and always accurate, except
some
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for some
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 rare error cases.
Further
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,
this
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 allows individuals to accomplish other vital things in life
as
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, as
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 people can follow their passion or desires because they have enough time and concentration for it.
Consequently
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,
machines
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 are admirable not only for individual success but
also
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 for a country's welfare.
On the other hand
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, there are numerous drawbacks
of
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to
show examples
this
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 trend, and a major one is that the rate of unemployment is increasing disproportionately. To elaborate on
this
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 aspect, employers are no longer recruiting many employees because a maximum percentage of
work
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 is done by either robots or
machines
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. Humans with worthy degrees and experiences are still unemployed
due to
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such
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 pathetic conditions. Cases of psychological disorders
such
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 as anxiety, depression, and more are surging.
For example
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, in the USA, robots have been used in restaurants
as well as
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 in factories for the
last
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 two years.
This
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 has lowered the employment rate from 90 to 60% within years.
Furthermore
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, the heritage of handwork is vanishing as people are no longer working or allowed to
work
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 because
machines
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 are dominating.
This
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 is a negative development which is contributing to the tedious loss of generational knowledge.
To conclude
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, mechanical
work
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 is useful in many ways and can be termed as a beneficial trend, yet it has pessimistic effects on employment rates.
However
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, the importance of manual craft is still glorified to some extent.

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task response
Task response: You answer both sides, but your ideas need more depth.
task response
Task response: Add one more clear example for the good side, not only the bad side.
task response
Task response: Some claims are too strong, so explain them with care.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your essay has a clear 4-part shape, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Some links sound unnatural. Use simple link words like first, also, however, for example, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: A few sentences are hard to follow because the wording is heavy. Use shorter and clearer sentences.
task response
Task response: You discuss both advantages and disadvantages, so you answer the full question.
task response
Task response: You give a real example about robots and jobs, which helps your point.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your introduction and conclusion are both present and clear.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Each body paragraph has one main focus, which helps the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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