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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

most people prefer to be self employes rather than working for a company.

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The topic under
discusson
Correct your spelling
discussion
 is that in today's modern world , individuals prefer not to
work
Use synonyms
 for other companies, rather
thay
Correct your spelling
they
 decide to be entrepreneurs or self-employed themselves. Both of these methods of earning money have their advantages and shortcomings .In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will discuss both
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
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 of
views
Check wording
view
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 and give my opinion regarding
this
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.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the public nowadays is more inclined towards earning their livings in a stress-free environment. They prefer not to be questioned about their daily tasks and achievements.Opposite to working for an organisation,where they are paid and obliged only in accordance with the services they provide.
Secondly
Linking Words
, there is a
free whole
Correct word order
whole free
show examples
world for you to explore if you
work
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 only for yourself. When you tick the right boxes and your plans
work
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 out , it is very rewarding and
satisfactory
Replace the word
satisfying
.There is always room for improvement and making your business more and more successful. These ways can make you wealthy in a very short period,rather than waiting years and years for your promotion and a slight rise in your salary
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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for
Change preposition
apply
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someone else
.
Verb problem
does.
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On the other hand
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, being an
entrepreneur
Punctuation problem
entrepreneur,
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 you are always responsible for a loss or a setback.A
lot amount
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large number
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 of people suffer from big losses during
early
Correct article usage
the early
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 days
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 has a very negative impact on their financial situation and mental well-being.When you
work
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 for a company, you just have to perform your daily tasks
effeciently
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efficiently
 and never have to worry about any other things surrounding your
work
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e.g
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, e.g.,
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 expenses,management ,profit
etc
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, etc
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.
Moreover
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, with a few exceptions like doctors ,lawyers
etc
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, etc.
show examples
,other corporate employees don't have to bring their
work
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to
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apply
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home with them .
This
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 gives you spare time to
work
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 on yourself and
family
Correct determiner usage
your family
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.It is
also
Linking Words
 not a necessity to have a large amount of investment to
work
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 a
nine to five
Correct your spelling
nine-to-five
 job, opposite to being self-employed. In summary, you always have to
work
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 hard whether you are earning independently or in an
organization
Change the spelling
organisation
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. In my opinion, it is always situational for
evey
Correct your spelling
every
 person
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 in order to be very rich and
finantially
Correct your spelling
financially
 successful, one should take risky steps financially,develop
own
Correct determiner usage
one's own
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 business and try to achieve big things .

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task response
Task response: You answer the topic and give your view, but your main idea is not fully clear in all parts.
task response
Task response: Add one or two clear and real examples to support your points.
task response
Task response: Some ideas are good, but a few are too general and need more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Some sentences are too long, so the meaning is hard to follow. Make them shorter.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Use linking words carefully. A few parts do not join smoothly.
task response
You clearly introduce the topic and give your opinion at the end.
task response
You discuss both sides of the issue, which helps answer the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has clear paragraphs, and this helps the reader follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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