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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think men only should take care of the present as well as the future of their families, while other think its not. To what extent do you agree on that?

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Creating and maintaining a family is a major
responsibility
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. Some people believe that
men
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 should take full
responsibility
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 for both the present and
future
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 of their families,
while
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 others disagree with
this
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 idea. In my opinion, I partially agree because
men
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 play an important role in planning for the
future
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;
however
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, present family
responsibilities
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 should be shared among other family members as well.
This
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 essay will explain the reasons for my view. On the one hand, I agree that
men
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 should take significant
responsibility
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 for securing the
future
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 of the family. One important aspect is ensuring financial stability and preparing for
future
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 plans.
For example
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, a husband may increase his income by working overtime in order to afford purchasing a new property.
In addition
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,
future
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 expenses
such
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 as family holidays should be planned by saving a small amount from the monthly salary.
Moreover
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, keeping a reserve budget for unexpected situations is another important
responsibility
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 that contributes to family security.
On the other hand
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, I disagree that
men
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 alone should manage present family life because wives and older children are
also
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 involved in daily
responsibilities
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.
For instance
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, mothers are usually more connected with their children and often spend more time at home than fathers do.
Therefore
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, tasks
such
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 as following children’s education, attending school activities, and helping with social issues are commonly shared
responsibilities
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.
Furthermore
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, an older son may
also
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 support family duties depending on his age and ability. In conclusion, I believe that daily family
responsibilities
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 should be distributed among family members,
while
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men
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 may take a leading role in preparing and planning for the
future
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.

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task response
Say your view more strongly from the start. 'Partially agree' is good, but make it very clear how much you agree.
task response
Add one more clear idea about why family care should be shared now, not only one main reason.
task response
Your examples are relevant, but they are a bit general. Add one more specific example to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. You already use 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' well, but make some links inside the body more smooth.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences could connect more clearly to the main idea of the paragraph. Keep each paragraph focused on one central point.
coherence and cohesion
You can make the second body paragraph flow better by grouping similar ideas together about wife, children, and shared duties.
task response
You answer the question directly and give your opinion in the introduction.
task response
Both sides of the topic are covered, so the response feels balanced.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphing is clear, and the conclusion matches your opinion.
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