IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think men only should take care of the present as well as the future of their families, while other think its not. To what extent do you agree on that?

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Creating a family is a big project and has a massive
responsibility
Use synonyms
, their is a two thoughts about it, one of them is
all
Correct word choice
that all
show examples
 responsibilities in
present
Correct article usage
the present
show examples
 and future
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
belong to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
men
Use synonyms
, others think it’s not. I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 subject.
This
Linking Words
 essay will provide supportive reasons for my point of view. First of all, I totally agree that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
men
Use synonyms
had
Wrong verb form
have
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 a
responsibility
Use synonyms
 for future
families
Check wording
families'
show examples
 needs
ensuring
Punctuation problem
, ensuring
show examples
 their future, and that will happen
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 a good plan. So, saving money for futures plan is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one of
biggest
Correct article usage
the biggest
show examples
Use synonyms
responsibility
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibilities
show examples
 for them,
for example
Linking Words
, have an overtime to make a budget for summer travel with good places and
satisfid
Correct your spelling
satisfying
 activities.
In addition
Linking Words
, to plan for buying
new
Correct article usage
a new
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 big
house
Punctuation problem
house,
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 the husband should work
in
Change preposition
apply
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two jobs in order to arrange the price of it.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, cutting part of salary for
emergancy
Correct your spelling
emergency
 or
nesessary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 situations,
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
buy
Wrong verb form
buying
show examples
 a new car or need for fixing it.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 will reach a comfortable life and
secure
Verb problem
be secure
show examples
 with their families through all of these challenges.
However
Linking Words
, I disagree
about
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 the present is only
Use synonyms
men
Check wording
men's
show examples
responsibility
Use synonyms
, because they don’t have enough time to spend with their families.
As a result
Linking Words
, the wife will take care
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
 part,
for
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
 raise children and lead them
safty
Correct your spelling
safely
 to
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 way in their life.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 had
patient
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to solve children’s
problem
Check wording
problems
show examples
 like
teenager
Replace the word
teenage
 issues and negative thoughts.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education is one of her duties,
such
Linking Words
 as following homeworks and
school
Punctuation problem
, school
show examples
 meeting or activities. In conclusion, the responsibilities
divided
Verb problem
are divided
show examples
 between two
mimbers
Correct your spelling
members
 in a relationship, and thats fear enagh to take care of
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. Say clearly how far you agree, and keep this same view in all parts.
task response
Add fuller ideas. Some points are good, but they need more clear detail to explain why they are true.
task response
Use examples that are more real and more closely linked to the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph follow one clear main idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some link words are used, but a few feel forced or not correct.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and meaning. A few sentences are hard to follow, so the reader may get lost.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The overall paragraph order is easy to see.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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