IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In this technological era, personal information is stored on computers by many companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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While
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 the modern era has yielded unprecedented technological and social progress, whether the employee's
data
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 is protected
with
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on the
show examples
 company's computers remains a subject of intense debate in
the
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apply
show examples
contemporary society.
Although
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,
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apply
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 there are numerous advantages of keeping
one
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's
information
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 in an
organization's
Change the spelling
organisation's
show examples
 system, the
numbers
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number
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 of disadvantages cannot be overlooked. I firmly believe that it is better to keep the personal
information
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 secured from outer world.
This
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 essay will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages before explaining why I support the latter perspective. From a positive perspective,
one
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 of the most compelling benefits of securing
individual's
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an individual's
show examples
information
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 under the
organizarion's
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organisation's
 administration is that it
gets
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becomes
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 quite accessible for the staff members. There is no need to be worried about losing all of the
employee's
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employees'
show examples
 progressive work. It stays safe in an
organizational
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organisational
show examples
 structure.
Additionally
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, since
majority
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the majority
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 come from diverse
background
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backgrounds
show examples
, it helps the management to keep
the
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a
show examples
 check and balance
of
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on
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 staff members. So, any type of suspicious activity can easily be apprehended. Despite their undeniable benefits,
this
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 may give rise to a number of adverse consequences.
For instance
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, keeping the
data
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 accessible to the
organziation
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organisation
 can make the individual concerned vulnerable. The corporate hierarchy can
weaponize
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weaponise
show examples
 the
candidte
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candidate
 by using their personal
information
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 against him/her. Another concern is that
,
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apply
show examples
 the provided
data
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 can be stolen and
misuse
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misused,
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 for which
one
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 might have to face the consequences.
This
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 may ultimately
results
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result
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 in
candidate's
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the candidate's
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 agony. Taking everything into consideration, I hold the firm belief that the sensitive
information
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 should solely stay with the staff member and no
one
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 should have
the
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apply
show examples
access of other's
data
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. As it can be mishandled by the authority. In conclusion, there are multiple advantages of the
information
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 stored on computers by
organizations
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organisations
show examples
.
However
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,
one
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 can not overlook the consequences it can bring to the employee
resulting
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, resulting
show examples
 in
job
Correct article usage
the job
show examples
 holder's stress, worries and agony.

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task response
Answer the main question more clearly. Say early if good points are more than bad points, and keep this same view all through the essay.
task response
Add more direct ideas about companies and organisations, not only workers. The topic is about personal data in general.
task response
Use one or two clear examples. For example, say how hospitals or banks use data fast and safely, or how data leaks can hurt people.
task response
Support each main point with a short reason and a clear example. Some points are too general now.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make linking easier to follow. Use simple links like First, Also, However, For example, and In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body paragraph. Do not move from safety to control too fast.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects well to the one before it. Some parts feel sudden or not fully explained.
task response
You gave both sides and then gave your own view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used paragraphs to separate your ideas.
task response
The negative side is clearer than the positive side.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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