IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Universities should accept equal numbers of males and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is widely acknowledged that women and men ought to be approved by colleges in same number in every major.
This
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 essay completely agrees with
this
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 statement. I firmly believe that
equality
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 povides more safe and a free-speech
environment
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 where students can share their thoughts and ideas without any prejudice, and foster a more equal work
environment
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 where every person can have an equal chance to be hired after college
life
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.
This
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 essay will elaborate on my position with relevant arguments and examples. The foremost reason to support my view is that sharing ideas and discussions play a crucial role in providing more robust and resilient
research
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 in academic
life
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. In an equal
environment
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, people can explain their ideas freely because there is no dominant authority in the group,encouraging people to take more responsibility without any
gender
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 or background considerations.
For instance
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, in Western countries, they have an enormous number of Nobel prizes because female researchers can find more opportunities
and
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, and
show examples
 they can contribute to
research
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.
Therefore
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,
equality
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 assists in academic
life
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.
Furthermore
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, another reason to justify my stance is that
equality
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 in college
life
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 has a great impact on the work
environment
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. Students aim for higher grades and excellent
research
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 for a job opportunity after their university
life
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. If there is no
equality
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 in the work
environment
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, some
gender
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 groups can control the hiring process , and they can push the company toward their preferences.
As a result
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, other
gender
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 groups cannot find any chance to be hired by that company. To illustrate, industries
such
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 as petroleum and mining tend to hire male workers, as the roles are perceived to demand physical strength.
Consequently
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, female students often struggle to find employment opportunities in these sectors. In conclusion,
although
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it is clear that
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 an equal
environment
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 is required in college
life
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, I firmly maintain that it is not only about finding equal opportunities in the hiring process but
also
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 about providing more robust
research
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.
Therefore
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, fostering
gender
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equality
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 in academic settings benefits both individuals and society as a whole.

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task response
Make your main idea more exact. Say why you agree, and keep that same line all through the essay.
task response
Add one more clear point on the other side, then show why your view is still stronger.
task response
Use examples that are more direct and more sure. The Nobel prize example is interesting, but it feels too broad.
coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas in a simpler way. Some long lines are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph start with one very clear main point.
coherence and cohesion
Check small breaks and word order, like spaces before commas, because they can slow the reader.
task response
You answer the question clearly and you give a strong opinion from the start.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
Most ideas stay on the topic of equal numbers in university subjects.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words like 'Furthermore', 'For instance', and 'Therefore' to move the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • equal opportunity
  • gender balance
  • fair chance
  • accept students
  • every subject
  • personal choice
  • skills and ability
  • test scores
  • student interest
  • role model
  • mixed class
  • class discussion
  • group work
  • social pressure
  • exact numbers
  • unfair rule
  • lose a place
  • by merit
  • support program
  • career advice
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