IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that nowadays we have too many choices. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? (Part 2)

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Some individuals nowadays have
wide
Correct article usage
a wide
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varieties
Fix the agreement mistake
variety
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 of alternatives. I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement
due to
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 several factors
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 are mentioned below. I believe that
teenagers
Use synonyms
 from prosperous
families
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 are more likely to choose their own pathways for their future ,and my main incentive to do so is that
teenagers
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 from prosperous
families
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 attend better
schools
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 ,courses ,and other types of assistance throughout their development that
enables
Correct subject-verb agreement
enable
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 them to succeed in their lives far more than those who don't really get to access those types of resources .Exemplifying
this
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 phenomenon, a study conducted in 2013 by Bruno et al. illustrates that the proportion of
teenagers
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 who got to attend Swiss boarding
schools
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 -
schools
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 that cost exorbitantly high for
families
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 with an average income per year- had
three-times
Correct article usage
a three-times
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more
Correct word choice
higher
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 success rate than
teenagers
Use synonyms
 who attended public
schools
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. Bruno and his colleagues attribute
this
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 particular occurrence
to
Change preposition
Due to
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 the fact that
teenagers
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 who attended Swiss boarding
schools
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 choose their desired major in their universities more independently than those who didn't
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due
Punctuation problem
, due
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 to kinds of pressure from their
families
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 or other factors. I don't think
teenagers
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 from public
schools
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 or other relatively cheap educational institutions have the independent decision to choose their desired majors
in
Change preposition
at
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 their universities. A research concluded by Ramirez and colleagues shows that
teenagers
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 from particularly low-income households tend to choose their major based on their
Use synonyms
families
Check wording
families'
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 decisions rather than their own desired field .
This
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 occurrence explains the fact that
teenagers
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 from relatively impoverished households
which
Correct pronoun usage
, who
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 tend
to choose not
Unsplit the infinitive
not to choose
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 their major
not by themselves but
Correct word order
on their own but are influenced by
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 their
Use synonyms
families
Punctuation problem
families,
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 have fewer options for their future fields than those who are from a more prosperous background. In conclusion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 think that every teenager has the right to decide their own future ,and to ameliorate
this
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 particular situation, governments should make all types of
schools
Use synonyms
 tuition-free and accessible to every teenager irrespective of their background or family income.

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task response
Answer the main question more directly. Say clearly how much you agree, and keep this line all through the essay.
task response
Develop your ideas in a more balanced way. You talk only about teenagers and school, but the topic is about people in general and choices in modern life.
task response
Explain your main points in a simpler and clearer way. Some ideas are hard to follow because the sentences are too long.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear idea in each paragraph. Then add one reason and one example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like 'first', 'also', 'however', and 'therefore' to make the flow smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Check punctuation and spacing. Some commas and full stops are missing or used in the wrong place, so the essay feels crowded.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and again in the conclusion.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas, and this helps your answer feel more real.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear paragraph shape: introduction, body, body, conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion matches the main idea of the essay.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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