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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Successful sportsmen can earn a great deal more than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Successful
athletes
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 can get a great deal more than
others
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 in essential professions. Many
people
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 believe that
this
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 is justified and fair,
Use synonyms
others
Correct word choice
while others
show examples
 think it's unfair. In my opinion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 think that
well known
Correct your spelling
well-known
athletes
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 deserve the
deals
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 that they get and
its
Use the right word
it's
show examples
 not unfair. In
this
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 essay,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 will discuss both views and explain my opinion.
Firstly
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,
well known
Correct your spelling
well-known
 and successful
athletes
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 can obtain great business
deals
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 more than individuals in other important fields. They earn these
deals
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 because of
there
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their
show examples
 popularity and fame, many youngsters take them as
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 role model. These contracts revolve around the sport that
their
Use the right word
they're
show examples
 known about.
For
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example
Add a comma
example,
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 a football player would get a commercial agreement for advertising football shoes or clothing. Or a fitness influencer marketing for a supplement brand. They are chosen to be the public face of the brand because of their fame and approval
among
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around
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 the world.
On the other hand
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, many
people
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 think that
its
Use the right word
it's
show examples
 unfair that only the successful
sportsmen
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 are getting all the good
deals
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,
while
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others
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 who might be even better than them are being ignored. They claim that
people
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 in other important fields should be able to earn
such
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greate
Correct your spelling
great
 business
deals
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 as these
sportsmen
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 are getting. Many unknown individuals in other
industry's
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industries
show examples
are not getting the chance to express themselves and win these agreements.
Moreover
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, many members of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society say that companies should showcase and provide opportunities for
others
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 in important sectors
instead
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 of only settling with these
athletes
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.
In contrast
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,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 think that
organizations
Change the spelling
organisations
show examples
 partnering with
well known
Correct your spelling
well-known
 successful
athletes
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 is fully justified and has many reasons.
Firstly
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, they are taken as a role model in our society
among
Change preposition
by
show examples
 many
people
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.
Secondly
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, these companies have the right to choose anyone to work with.
Moreover
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, successful
sportsmen
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 have worked hard to reach what they accomplished
so
Correct word order
apply
show examples
,
they
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so they
show examples
 deserve these
deals
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. In conclusion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 think that
its
Use the right word
it's
show examples
 fair for
sportsmen
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 to earn
such
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 great and valuable
deals
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 since they've worked hard to earn them.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. Your view is clear, but the other side needs a bit more detail.
task response
Use clearer main ideas in each body part. Start each part with one simple point, then explain it.
task response
Give examples that fit the question more closely. You gave good sport examples, but you also need examples from other important jobs.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like 'however', 'also', 'for example', and 'therefore' in a careful way.
coherence and cohesion
Some parts repeat the same idea about fame and deals. Try not to say the same point many times.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph do one job only. This will make your writing easier to follow.
task response
You answer both views and you give your own opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas, such as football shoes and a supplement brand.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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