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Writing Samples
Band 5

The internet has changed the world and how people live. Many people say that it has created problems for both the indivicual and society. To what extent do you agree?

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It is undeniable that the
internet
Use synonyms
 has changed the world we live in today.
However
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, everything comes at a price.
This
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 essay will analyse some of the problems that have
risen
Wrong verb form
arisen
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due to
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 the
internet
Use synonyms
. The
internet
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 has revolutionised the way we live today. It has undoubtedly brought many benefits to society.
Additionally
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, it has transformed multiple industries,
such
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 as education, business, entertainment and telemedicine.
For example
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, education was fully online during
COVID-19
Correct article usage
the COVID-19
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 epidemic.
Which at
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At
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 the time of turmoil,
benefitted
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it benefited
 students and somewhat gave a sense of normalcy.
While
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 it has brought enormous benefits, it has
nonetheless
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 raised many concerns. Namely, the apparent disconnect it has brought to society as a whole.
This
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 may be seen in social gatherings
due to
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people
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 being practically glued to their telephones.
Not to mention
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,
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apply
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 the impact of
this
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 increased social isolation.
This
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 is especially concerning amongst children who might fully immerse themselves
into
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in
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 games or online forums.
Consequently
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, there has been a spike in students neglecting their studies and education.
Furthermore
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, the
internet
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 has paved an easier way for hackers to prey on
people
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 of all age groups. Many individuals spend excessive periods of time on their smart devices.
While
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 that may not inherently be a negative thing, it still exposes individuals to multiple risks. A worthy mention would be the
rampancy
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prevalence
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 of depression among young adults. It is a result of personal comparisons to unattainable standards posted on the
internet
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 by celebrities or acquaintances who only post their very best moments. What's more, it has introduced unrealistic beauty standards for women
especially
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, especially
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. Highly altered images
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as
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, as
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 well as
,
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apply
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 the increased popularity of plastic surgeries makes females feel more insecure and undesirable.
Thereafter
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, many
people
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 would try
and
Correct word choice
to
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 find refuge on the
internet
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, where misinformation has spread like
a
Correct article usage
apply
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wildfire. It has gotten harder to verify news sources in light of the rise of artificial intelligence. Especially, since everyone, whether qualified or not, now has access to platforms that may affect millions of
people
Use synonyms
.
This
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 creates an increasingly vulnerable space for social divisions. In conclusion, it is undeniable that the
internet
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 has many disadvantages.
Moretheless
Correct your spelling
Nevertheless
, I partially agree that it has created problems for individuals and
society
Punctuation problem
society,
show examples
 given that its positive contributions are far greater. It all comes down to awareness and moderation in usage.

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task response
Give your main answer more clearly in the first paragraph. You say both good and bad points, but your position is not fully clear until the end.
task response
Answer the question more directly. The task asks 'to what extent do you agree', so you should state if you agree, partly agree, or disagree, and keep this clear in all paragraphs.
task response
Use one or two stronger examples to support your ideas. Some points are good, but a few are general and need more proof or detail.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In body paragraph 1, you move from benefits to social problems, so the focus becomes less clear.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some sentences begin well, but a few joins are weak or sudden, such as short sentences starting with 'Especially' or 'Which'.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph flow. Put similar ideas together, for example social isolation, study problems, and online safety, so the reader can follow more easily.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear ending, which helps the reader follow your essay.
task response
Your essay covers many important problems of the internet for both people and society.
coherence and cohesion
You use some good linking words like 'however', 'for example', 'consequently', and 'furthermore'.
task response
You give relevant ideas such as social isolation, mental health, beauty pressure, and false news.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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