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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Parents should encourage their children to spend less time on studying and more time on doing sports and other physical activities. Do you agree or disagree?

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In today's society, many people encourage their
children
Use synonyms
 to spend less
time
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 on their studies and allocate more
time
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 to physical exercise. As far as I am concerned, I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 argument, and I will detail the reasons below.
To begin
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 with, regular physical activity boosts academic performance by improving executive function, memory, and attention span.
Moreover
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, it
also
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 improves
children
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's health and concentration.
For example
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, if young people play football or basketball, their health, mood, and emotional intelligence will be better, which helps them focus better in class.
Additionally
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, sports help
children
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 develop self-discipline and social skills.
However
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, other parents believe that
children
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 should concentrate on their studies
more
Correct word choice
rather
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 than spend
time
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 outside doing physical activities. They believe that most of the
time
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 should be devoted to studies. Excellence in academics will improve the personality of
children
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 in their professional
life
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lives
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. A well-educated student is the best way to achieve their goals.
Besides
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, students with higher qualifications and brilliant grades have greater opportunities in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
For instance
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, in Japan, business education and educational programs are integrated
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 applicants achieve high academic results.
However
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, physical activity actually improves academic
result
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results
show examples
 in the long run. In conclusion, I strongly believe that parents should encourage
children
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 to spend less
time
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 studying because
while
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 academic success is undeniably important, physical activity is equally essential for their health and
overall
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 development.

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task response
For task response, keep one clear line from start to end. You agree, so make every main part support that view more directly.
task response
Explain your ideas more fully. Some points are good, but they need one more sentence to show how and why.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. The Japan example is not fully linked to your main point.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, make each body paragraph have one main idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words like however should show a real contrast. In your essay, however is used two times, but the logic is not always strong.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences repeat the same idea about study success. Try to group close ideas together and avoid saying the same point again.
task response
You answer the question clearly and give your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
Your main ideas are relevant to the topic: health, focus, discipline, study success, and future chances.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic structure with introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words like to begin with, moreover, additionally, however, and in conclusion to guide the reader.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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