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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

some developed countries have reduced the number of school hours. Is this a positive or a negative development?

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In many developed countries, the amount of
time
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 that
students
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 spend in
school
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 has been reduced in recent years.
This
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 essay will discuss whether
this
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 is a positive or negative development, and I believe it has both advantages and disadvantages,
although
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overall
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 it is slightly more negative. On the one hand, reducing
school
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 hours can bring several benefits for
students
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.
Firstly
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, it gives children more free
time
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 to rest and do other activities outside academic study,
such
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 as sports or hobbies.
This
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 can improve their mental health and reduce stress
which
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, which
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 is often caused by long
school
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 days.
For example
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, in some
countries
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countries,
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students
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 are now able to spend more
time
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 with family, which
help
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helps
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 them to build stronger relationships.
Also
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, shorter
school
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 hours may increase
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students
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students'
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 motivation because they do not feel exhausted all the
time
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.
On the other hand
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, there are
also
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 clear drawbacks. If
students
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 spend less
time
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 in
school
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, they may not cover all important subjects in enough depth.
This
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 can affect their academic performance in the long term.
Moreover
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, teachers might feel pressure to rush lessons, which could make learning less effective.
In addition
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, not all
students
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 use their free
time
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 in a productive way; some of them may waste it on video games or social media, which
reduce
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reduces
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 their study discipline. In conclusion,
although
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 reducing
school
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 hours can improve
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students wellbeing
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students' well-being
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 and give them more freedom, I believe it is more of a negative development because it may lower education quality if it is not managed carefully.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start. You say both good and bad, but your final view is a bit weak.
task response
Add one more clear example to show why less school time can hurt learning.
task response
Explain your ideas a little more deeply. Some points are good, but they stay general.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. They are good, but a few more could help show the line of your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one clear pattern: main idea, explain, example, result.
coherence and cohesion
Check small grammar words in links, like subject and verb forms, because they can slow the flow.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear opinion in the introduction and end.
task response
Your ideas stay on the topic and you show both sides in a balanced way.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear 4-part structure: start, two body parts, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main focus, so the reader can follow your ideas easily.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • balanced lifestyle
  • stress and burnout
  • self-directed learning
  • conventional curriculum
  • family bonds
  • academic rigor
  • gaps in knowledge
  • socioeconomic backgrounds
  • extracurricular activities
  • supplement
  • personalized and adaptive learning
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