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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that drug addicts should be treated like criminals and sent to jail, while others believe that they should be treated like patients and sent hospital. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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Many tend to believe that folks who are addicted to pills should be sent to prison and be punished like criminals;
however
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, some others argue that they should be hospitalised and treated in a hospital. In my opinion, I really think that drug addiction creates illegal acts and poses danger to society in the long run;
therefore
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, sending them to jail like criminals will be more appropriate. On the one hand, Drug addicts impose many problem to the society and
thus
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 must be sent to custody for several reasons. First of all, they pose a danger to themselves before affecting other folks by taking and injecting these prescriptions into their system.
Moreover
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, these stimulants stir up their mood and get them high with little awareness, making them prone to more violence.
Secondly
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, many children in schools are likely to be influenced at
such
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 a young age, which eventually leads to more crimes and violence in the future.
That is
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 why I strongly argue that narcotics users should be sent to prison and get a rehabilitation.
On the other hand
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, some others may argue that humans with addiction to drugs should not be treated like criminals, but rather be sent to medical care for several reasons. One of the reasons are, community who are addicted to heroin are not necessarily a bad crowd but actually vulnerable humans who have somehow got involved in using these subjects. In fact, many of them come from a really harsh background or have experienced trauma in the past , which
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 led them to have issues like drug addictions.
For example
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, data has shown that folks who had encountered a traumatic life experience ,
such
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 as the death of a relative or even losing a job, turned to drugs more than other people with no
such
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 experience.
Although
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 care should be given to those addicts, I still strongly believe that treating them in the hospital will not cure the underlying issue. In conclusion,
although
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 some believe that addicts are vulnerable and should be treated like ill members, I strongly think that the violence and the bad influence that comes with it should not be underestimated , and
therefore
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, they must be sent to jail.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. Now, the jail side is stronger than the hospital side.
task response
Give your opinion in a clear and same way from start to end. In body 2, your view becomes a bit mixed.
task response
Add one more clear example for each main idea. This will make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Use topic sentences that match your main point more clearly. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are not used well. Use simple links like first, also, for example, however, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one idea in one sentence when possible. Some sentences are long and hard to follow.
task response
You answered both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You use an example about trauma to support your point.
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