IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that high school students should be taught how to use money as it is an important life skill. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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It is argued that as part of
upbringing
Replace the word
raising
kids
Add a comma
kids,
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 it is necessary to teach them critical
skill
Check wording
skills
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 on how to spend the
money
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. I believe it is a necessary skill because it helps them understand the value of
money
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 and start saving since their schooling. It is crucial
teaching
Wrong verb form
to teach
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 teenagers how to spend their pocket
money
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 only on the things that are necessary for them. Parents at home and teachers at school should make children understand how difficult it is to earn
the
Correct article usage
apply
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money
Use synonyms
 so that they will see
Use synonyms
money
Correct word choice
that money
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 is not a simple
cashflow
Correct your spelling
cash flow
 that comes directly into their pockets.
For instance
Linking Words
,
In
Fix capitalization
in
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 Japan,
tenth grade
Correct your spelling
tenth-grade
 students are given fake $20 cash after they
worked
Wrong verb form
work
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 for
2hrs
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2 hours
 cleaning, packing meals and
asked
Verb problem
are asked
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 to purchase sufficient food for a family of two from a pilot setup store in their school, which
had
Wrong verb form
requires
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 them
used
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to use
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 their intuition to think
what
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about what
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 is really needed and how important
money
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 plays a role
to feed
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in feeding
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 a family. Another advantage when kids are taught how
money
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 should be
used
Punctuation problem
used,
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 to help them understand about savings. Asking an adult to save from their pocket
money
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 for a
future
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 purchase helps them understand how much to keep aside and how much to spend. In
future
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when
Correct word choice
,
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 as they are growing, they will not think of spending everything they have and understand that they have to save some in order to purchase an item they need in the
future
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. In conclusion, as some people believe
to teach
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that teaching
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 growing adults about spending
money
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 in a mindful way is a significant skill. It helps kids to understand how much
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 an individual does to earn
money
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 and learn to use
them
Fix the agreement mistake
it
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 for their own needs.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it helps them gain
the
Correct article usage
apply
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knowledge on savings to fulfil their own needs in
future
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.

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task response
Make your main idea more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly that you agree.
task response
Explain your ideas a bit more. Some parts are clear, but some need more detail.
task response
Use examples in a simpler and more natural way. Your Japan example is good, but it is too long and a little hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph and connect it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Check long sentences. Some are hard to read because too many ideas are in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully, such as first, also, for example, and in conclusion.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion.
task response
Your two main ideas are relevant: value of money and saving money.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas usually follow a logical order.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • budget
  • spending
  • saving
  • future
  • earn
  • jobs
  • chores
  • value
  • smart choices
  • goals
  • college
  • banks
  • loans
  • interest rates
  • wise
What to do next:
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