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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some people say that competition at
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
show examples
, at school and in daily
life
Use synonyms
 is a good thing,
while
Linking Words
others
Use synonyms
 think that we should try to
work
Use synonyms
 together, rather than competing
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other. I believe that competing with
others
Use synonyms
 gives more opportunity to get encouragement or high achievements in every
fields
Fix the agreement mistake
field
show examples
 of
life
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, cooperating with everyone leads to
peaceful
Correct article usage
a peaceful
show examples
 and friendly atmosphere, where no one
does not want
Rephrase
wants
show examples
 to be better or develop their skills.
For instance
Linking Words
, if individuals
work
Use synonyms
 together, they will achieve their goals
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
there
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 does not matter in which field it is.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they help to everyone and try to be useful for other.
However
Linking Words
, in
the place
Check wording
places
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 where people do not have any competing atmosphere, they will not get high results or improve themselves in
exact
Correct article usage
an exact
show examples
 skill, because
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 do not have any reason to do
this
Linking Words
.
Thus
Linking Words
, cooperating is
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 thing
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 when it is about helping
others
Use synonyms
not reaching
Wrong verb form
reach
show examples
 high goals.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in my opinion, competing with
others
Use synonyms
 is more beneficial than cooperating
due to
Linking Words
 high achievements and motivation. When people compete with each other, they will try to do their best and motivate themselves through
Use synonyms
others
Check wording
others'
show examples
 achievements.
For instance
Linking Words
, at
work
Use synonyms
 and at
school
Punctuation problem
school,
show examples
 every
employees
Fix the agreement mistake
employee
show examples
 and
students compete
Correct subject-verb agreement
student competes
show examples
 with each other
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 to get high scores or
get improvement in
Replace the word
improve
 their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
. Loosing help them to
work
Use synonyms
 harder and beat
others
Use synonyms
, primarily, because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
they will get some kind of purpose to reach.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in daily
Use synonyms
life
Add a comma
life,
show examples
 individuals try to be
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 in cycling, in cooking, and even in playing games just to be at the top of
rate
Correct article usage
the rate
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, competing is
essential
Correct article usage
an essential
show examples
 thing in our
life
Use synonyms
, which helps to encourage and get motivation to be high achievers. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
someone
Correct pronoun usage
some people
show examples
 think that competing is a useful thing in every
spheres
Fix the agreement mistake
sphere
show examples
 of
life
Use synonyms
,
others
Use synonyms
 argue that we should
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
cooperate with
others
Use synonyms
. I believe that competing with
others
Use synonyms
 is a good idea, primarily
due to
Linking Words
 encouraging and trying to
their
Verb problem
do their
show examples
 best.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. Say why team work is good and why competition is good, then give your view clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body part. Put one main point first, then explain it, then give one example.
task response
Your examples are on topic, but they are too general. Add one more clear and real example.
coherence and cohesion
Link some ideas more carefully. Sometimes the meaning is hard to follow because one sentence does not lead well to the next one.
coherence and cohesion
Check your conclusion. It should restate both views and your opinion in a simple clear way.
task response
You discuss both views and you give your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You stay on the main topic of work, school, and daily life.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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