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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In the future, all cars, busses and vehicles will be driverless. The only people travelling inside these will be passengers. Do you think the advantages of driverless vehicles will outweight the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant exmaples.

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Automation within vehicles is a trend the world has been shifting towards for years,
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thus
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in the future, the only people travelling within vehicles will be the passengers.
While
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this
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 may be advantageous in a variety of ways, my contention is that the benefits of
such
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 technology will not outweigh the disadvantages. There are a multitude of advantages to autonomous transit, ranging from safer road conditions
,
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 to saving hours of valuable time. Beginning with road safety, a vast number of accidents
while
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 driving are
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as
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a result of the person behind the wheel. Driving under the influence, falling asleep behind the wheel after a tiresome day, or even a potential heart attack/stroke are common causative factors for life-threatening accidents.
Hence
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, with a driverless vehicle,
such
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 circumstances would no longer exist, making the roads safer for both passengers and pedestrians.
Additionally
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, in order to be a responsible driver, it is imperative that the driver focus solely on the road. In my experience, being from Bangkok, a city with heavy traffic conditions,
this
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 can mean being stuck behind the wheel for hours. Being able to simply be a passenger for that duration
,
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 would let me use my valuable time accomplishing other tasks.
On the other hand
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, a large population of the working class would be negatively affected by the introduction of self-driving transportation. Taxi drivers, bus drivers, and chauffeurs, who all make their living driving people to their destination, lose their jobs.
Due to
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 the sheer popularity of
such
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 jobs, unemployment would drastically increase, especially in countries that rely on tourism.
For instance
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, in Thailand, a country whose economy is driven by tourists who use its public transport,
this
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 would be quite harmful. Another aspect of driving
that is
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 often overlooked is the human connection.
Oftentimes
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Oftentimes,
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 when you take an Uber or get into a taxi in a foreign country, you end up conversing with the driver.
This
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 time, getting to know another person, learning their story, or simply getting recommendations for places to visit is invaluable. I believe it brings us closer together as a community, a virtue
that is
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 slowly disappearing, largely
due to
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 the introduction of technology. In conclusion,
while
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 there are several benefits to a society where we have driverless vehicles, like a reduction in highway accidents, I believe these advantages do not outweigh the risks. Taking away jobs from thousands of people, contributing to unemployment,
as well as
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 diminishing human connection, are sacrifices that I do not believe make it worth it to have driverless transportation.

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task response
Make your main answer even more direct in the first part. Say clearly that the bad points are stronger than the good points.
task response
Add one more clear example for job loss or social change. This will make your ideas stronger.
task response
Some ideas are strong, but one point about human connection feels less important than safety and jobs. Make sure all main points strongly support your answer.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow. To make it even better, link some ideas more smoothly between paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are long. You can make them shorter so the flow is even clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use a few more simple linking words like 'First', 'Also', 'However', and 'As a result' to guide the reader.
task response
You answered all parts of the question and gave a clear opinion.
task response
Your ideas are clear and mostly well explained.
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You used examples from real life, like Bangkok and Thailand.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main idea, which helps the reader follow your writing.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion matches your opinion and sums up the essay well.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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