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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health problem. Give reasons for child obesity and give solutions to fix this problem.

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Introduction
The world is very different from the past, and that includes the eating habits of many
children
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.
Children
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 today tend to be overweight.
This
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 is a serious health issue.
This
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 essay will examine the main reasons responsible for child obesity and offer solutions to fix
this
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 problem.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are several reasons that contribute to child obesity.
First,
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children
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 eat far too much fast
food
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.
This
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 type of
food
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 is unhealthy, high in calories,
as well as
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 trans fat.
Also
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, they tend to snack on junk
food
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 daily.
Second,
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children
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 today do not engage in very much exercise. They lead a life filled with computers and video games.
This
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 existence lacks movement or physical activity.
Finally
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,
children
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 today consume far too much sugar. They like to dine on sweets, candy and chocolate. As well, they drink different types of soda, which are loaded with sugar.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, there are several solutions to
this
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 problem.
First,
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parents should provide healthier meals. They can give
children
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 more fruits. They should
also
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 limit junk
food
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 and sugar. Second ,
children
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 should have more physical activities. They can do sports in school.
This
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 can help kids to become more active.
Finally
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, parents should limit screen time.
Children
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 should spend more time outside.
This
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 will help them have a healthier lifestyle.
Conclusion
In conclusion, childhood obesity is mainly caused by unhealthy
food
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, lack of physical activity, and bad habits. Parents and the school should help solve
this
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 problem. By providing healthy
food
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, less screen time and physical activity.

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task response
Give a little more detail for each main point. For example, explain how fast food and sweet drinks can make children put on weight, or say how schools can add more sport time.
task response
Use more real examples. You could say that parents can make water the main drink at home, or that schools can sell fruit instead of sweets.
task response
Make the last paragraph a full sentence. The final line is not complete. You could write: “This can be done by giving children healthy food, less screen time, and more physical activity.”
coherence and cohesion
Link each cause more closely to its answer. For example, after the point about fast food, say that parents can plan simple healthy meals at home.
coherence and cohesion
Some short sentences can be joined to make the flow smoother. For example, “They can give children more fruits. They should also limit junk food and sugar” can become one clear sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid using the same words too often, such as “children today” and “First”. Try “young people”, “also”, or “another cause” where it fits.
task response
You answer both parts of the question. You give clear causes, such as fast food, too much sugar, and not enough exercise. You also give useful ways to help, such as healthy meals, sport, and less screen time.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. The ideas are in a good order, and words such as “First”, “Second”, and “Finally” help the reader follow your points.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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