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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many parents today put pressure on their children to achieve great marks at school. Give the reasons why parents do this and do you think that this is a positive or negative development.

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In the Contemporary era,
Parents
Use synonyms
 have
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
excessive
pressure
Use synonyms
 on their children to be the most successful
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
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 at school. I partially agree with that tendency
That have
Correct subject-verb agreement
that has
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 placed an intensive expectation on
child
Correct article usage
the child
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay will give the reasons why
parents
Use synonyms
 do
this
Linking Words
Linking Words
along
Punctuation problem
, along
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 with
those
Correct determiner usage
the
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 positive and negative ideas that support my point of view. On the one hand, there are common reasons responsible for
such
Linking Words
 intense
pressure
Use synonyms
. One primary reason
that
Change preposition
for
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 social comparison.
This
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 plays a vital role in
society
Punctuation problem
society,
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 where
parents
Use synonyms
 feel judged based on their children’s achievements
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
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 motivating them for high marks and performance.
Second,
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fathers and mothers often believe that developing discipline in their academic path
usually
Rephrase
apply
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is a key to
secure
Wrong verb form
securing
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 a
top qualified
Correct your spelling
top-qualified
 job and earning a massive
money
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amount of money
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.
In addition
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, some fathers expecting his son and daughter will accomplish what they couldn’t do and now see their children as a chance to achieve those long-held aspirations.
Accordingly
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, the privileges of that
pressure
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 are
sometimes
Correct word choice
that sometimes
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 the children become more resilient and determined.
However
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,
on the other hand
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, excessive
pressure
Use synonyms
 can harm the brain and erode trust.
For example
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, a recent scientific study found that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mental health issues and
the
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apply
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persistent anxiety
linked
Verb problem
are linked
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 to parental expectations.
Moreover
Linking Words
, when
the
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apply
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success
defined
Verb problem
is defined
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 by grades
the
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,
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 creativity will
reduce
Wrong verb form
be reduced
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 and affect the
Quilty
Correct your spelling
quality
 of the work
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is equally important for a fulfilling life. In conclusion,
It
Verb problem
it is
show examples
 clear to see that constant
pressure
Use synonyms
 can be productive or lead to
harmful
Correct article usage
a harmful
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 situation.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
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 I believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 should focus on
enjoyment
Correct article usage
the enjoyment
show examples
 of learning and supporting their academic development.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully: why parents do this, and if it is good or bad.
task response
Make your main view very clear from the start and keep it the same all through the essay.
task response
Add one clear example for each main idea to make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simpler way, like first, also, however, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Develop each point more before moving to the next one.
task response
You answer the topic and talk about both reasons and effects.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words like on the one hand, however, and in conclusion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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