IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The limited budgets of governments, especially those in developing countries, are better spent on health and education than on employment-generating projects. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Nowadays, normal
people
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 are facing
problems
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such
Linking Words
 as
lack
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 of
employment
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, insufficient
education
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, and
lack
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 of
health
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 care. To solve these
problems
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, most governments are trying to spend their budget
resloving
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resolving
 the
health
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 and
education
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problems
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 rather than the
employment
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problems
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.
While
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 providing better
health
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 and
education
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 systems can help
citizens'
Verb problem
solve citizens'
show examples
 life and death
problem
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problems
show examples
,
employment
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-generating projects are sometimes more important than
the
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apply
show examples
health
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 and
education
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 because
it is
Fix the agreement mistake
they are
show examples
 related to
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countries'
Correct determiner usage
a country's
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 economy. On the one hand,
health
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 and
education
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problems
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 are directly related to citizens'
life
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lives
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 and
death
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deaths
show examples
. Recently, in many
countries
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,
significant
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a significant
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 decline
of
Change preposition
in the
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 number of doctors and spaces in emergency
room
Check wording
rooms
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 is the most urgent problem.
People
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 cannot
treated
Verb problem
be treated
show examples
 properly in
golden
Correct article usage
the golden
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 time
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
casues
Correct your spelling
causes
 serious side effects later.
For example
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, most of
emergency
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the emergency
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 rooms in many
countires
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countries
 are not receiving enough patients because there are no doctors in
hospital
Correct article usage
the hospital
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.
As a result
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, it often leads
people
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 to end
thier
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their
 lives outside of the hospital.
On the other hand
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,
employment
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 is sometimes more necessary than
health
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 and
education
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.
Lack
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 of
employment
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 is connected to
countries
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' economy status. If there are
no
Rephrase
not
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 enough workers in
nation
Correct article usage
the nation
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, the government cannot afford enough money
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can casue another
problems
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Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
insufficent
Correct your spelling
insufficient
 amount of
education
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.
For example
Linking Words
, during the great depression in Europe and America,
lack
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 of
employment
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 caused serious
economy
Replace the word
economic
problems
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, inflation, and mass deaths
due to
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 poverty.
Therefore
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,
lack
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 of
employment
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 can cause not only economic
problems
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 but
also
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 some other side effects
such
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 as
insuffienct
Correct your spelling
insufficient
education
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. To solve these
problems
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,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 has to bring more
emplyment-generating
Correct your spelling
employment-generating
 projects.
To conclude
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, either
health
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 and
education
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 or
employment
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problems
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 are significant in all
countries
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.
Although
Linking Words
health
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 and
education
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problems
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 can be
prioritize
Wrong verb form
prioritised
show examples
 because
it is
Fix the agreement mistake
they are
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 directly related to
normal
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
people
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's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and
death
Check wording
deaths
show examples
,
lack
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 of
employment
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 is sometimes more urgent and important
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 it can cause serious economic
problems
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start. You say health and education are important, but you also say jobs are sometimes more important. Choose one side more clearly and keep it through the essay.
task response
Add more direct support for your main answer. Your ideas are good, but some parts are too general and need fuller explanation.
task response
Use examples that are more exact and clearly linked to your point. This will make your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: intro, body, and end. Keep this, because it helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not smooth. Try to make each paragraph focus on one main point and connect each sentence more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Check order and logic inside sentences. At times, ideas jump too fast, so the reader must work hard to follow.
task response
You answered the topic and talked about both sides of the issue.
coherence and cohesion
You included an introduction and a conclusion, which gives the essay a full form.
task response
You used examples to support your ideas, which is a good habit in IELTS writing.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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