IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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we
Capitalize the word
We
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 can all agree that it is important to spend public money on promoting
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
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lifestyle
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
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Linking Words
however
Punctuation problem
however,
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 think that it is more important
than
Correct word choice
apply
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to spend it
in
Change preposition
on
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 curing
people
Use synonyms
 who are already sick, and some disagree
seeing
Punctuation problem
, seeing
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 that giving treatment to ill
people
Use synonyms
 is more important. first of all it is better to prevent illness before it comes that what shows the value of promoting a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
, to be more clear taking care of your health would bring results when you are older , a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 in my country do not care of their eating habits or going to the gym and that harm their body maybe not now but in the future, for instants there are many older
people
Use synonyms
 who have heart problems all because of their unhealthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
.
secondly
Linking Words
 altho it is important to advertise a healthier
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 , i do not think it is more important than to give treatment to those who already sick , some
people
Use synonyms
 who are ill did not chose an unhealthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 yet they are in a life or death situation that can not be underastimated ,
for example
Linking Words
 i have a relative that does not smoke and he eat healthy and he got cancer.
in
Capitalize the word
In
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 the
end
Add a comma
end,
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 my point of view is that both sides are important , you should promote a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 to educate
people
Use synonyms
 about health, but
also
Linking Words
 healthcare and treatment
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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also
Linking Words
 important, so
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 believe that there should be
balance
Correct article usage
a balance
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 between the two
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 in
the
Change preposition
terms of
show examples
 spending
money
Punctuation problem
money,
show examples
 regard i see that spending in both is the best solution.

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task response
Make your main answer clear early. Say if you agree, disagree, or partly agree in the first part.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear idea in each body paragraph, and explain it more fully.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer linking words like first, also, however, and in conclusion.
task response
Give one or two specific examples and explain how they support your point.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects well to the next one.
task response
Answer the question directly all through the essay, not only at the end.
task response
You discuss both public health and treatment, so you cover both sides of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You use examples from real life to support your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • chronic diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • public health campaigns
  • lifestyle-related illnesses
  • quality of life
  • health-conscious society
  • allocate funds
  • balanced healthcare system
  • comprehensive healthcare strategy
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