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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that children should begin formal education at a very early age, while others think they should not start school until they are at least seven. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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There is an ongoing debate regarding academic learning in the early stages of childhood. A group of individuals believe that kids have to learn early.
However
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, the others argue that starting
school
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education
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 at the
age
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 of
seven
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 is most beneficial. In my opinion, I believe that when they are
seven
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 years old is a suitable
age
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 for
school
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 to learn new
skills
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. On one hand, there is a society believe that young learners should begin formal
education
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 at an early
age
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. Because it helps
children
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 learn moral values,
such
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 as tolerance and sharing. They could tolerate their faults
,
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apply
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 and share food or toys with others. Because early
education
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 helps them to love these values by participating in activities with their friends.
For example
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, if a kid wants to play with another kid's toys, but the other child refuses to share them,
this
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 is where early
education
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 comes in to teach students that sharing is a nice way to make friends.
Therefore
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,
school
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education
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 at the early stage of childhood is important in the majority of families since it has many benefits for
children
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.
On the other hand
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, those in favour of the latter opinion have their own arguments.
To begin
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 with, they say that
children
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 have to start
school
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 at the
age
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 of
seven
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,
while
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 the
education
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 system gives
children
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 more knowledge and
enhance
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhances
show examples
skills
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,
such
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 as effective communication and critical thinking. At the
age
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 of
seven
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, the brain develops the ability to learn new
skills
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, and they will be emotionally prepared.
For instance
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, if a teacher gives them a homework assignment, it will help kids develop how to think, write, and solve problems. That's why I personally agree with
this
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 statement about schooling at the
age
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 of
seven
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. In conclusion, I believe
children
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 have
to begin
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 their
education
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 when they reach the
age
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 of
seven
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. Because it has more benefits for kids. It helps them broaden their horizons and gain the
skills
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 they need in life

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You discuss both views, but the side about starting at seven is a little short and not fully developed.
task response
Give a clearer reason for your opinion in each body paragraph. This will make your main idea stronger.
task response
Use more direct and clear examples. Your toy-sharing example is relevant, but the homework example is quite general.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences simpler and clearer. A few ideas are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. You use basic linkers like 'On one hand' and 'On the other hand', but some sentences repeat 'Because' and feel disconnected.
coherence and cohesion
Build each paragraph around one main point, then explain it step by step.
task response
You clearly introduce the topic and give your opinion.
task response
You discuss both views, so the essay answers the full question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Basic linking words are used to show the two sides of the argument.
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