IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Research shows that some activities are good for health and othe are bad.Despite knowing that millions of people engange in unhealthy activites. What is the cause of this? What can be done?

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Although
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 people understand that some
activities
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 are harmful to their health, they cannot stop engaging in them.
This
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 essay will dive into the reasons that lead to
this
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 phenomenon in a comprehensive manner before discussing possible solutions.
Initially
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, one of the main arguments in favour of doing unhealthy campaigns is that these kinds of
activities
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 are usually more engaging than healthy ones.
For example
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, having a party with junk food can be more attractive than hosting a party with healthy food. Individuals tend to choose
activities
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 providing them with more stimulation. As technology develops, users are able to find entertainment online easily, resulting in having more opportunities to participate in unhealthy events. Relying heavily on social media has turned into one of the
activities
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 that harms both physical and mental well-being.
Therefore
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, it is challenging for individuals to make correct choices and overcome their real desires. To alleviate the problem, the influence of popular icons can be role models to promote healthy
activities
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.
For instance
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, inviting influencers to share their ideas about their engagement in healthy events can be an effective way to increase participation.
Moreover
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, positive feedback
of
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on
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 doing healthy
activities
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 can be efficiently delivered to crowds through promotions on social media. When healthy
activities
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 become the main trend in daily life, they can be involved in daily routines, which helps support consistency. In conclusion, despite
that
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the fact that
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 unhealthy
activities
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 are more appealing, their negative effects on people's
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
 cannot be ignored. Integrating the power of celebrities can help capture people's attention.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You say why people do bad things for health, but you can add one more clear cause.
task response
Your ideas are clear, but some parts are too general. Explain them a bit more.
task response
Use more direct examples. Your party and social media examples help, but they can be more specific.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is good, but a few ideas do not connect in a very smooth way. Check each sentence flow.
coherence and cohesion
One point in body 1 is not fully supported. Add one more sentence to show how or why it happens.
task response
You answer both questions in the task.
task response
Your main idea is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are well grouped.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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