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Band 6

5.Experts say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more exercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas now many suffer loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solutions?

#experts #people #exercise #time #friends #loneliness #health
Older
people
 were healthier and
happy
Replace the word
happier
show examples
 in the old times, but now the situation has changed the reverse. There are several reasons behind
this
 which will be highlighted below,
along with
 their solutions. At the start, there
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 a shift of technology from the older to the newer advanced lap. Things shifted to automation slowly and made our culture a high-tech society, which changed the habits of almost the majority of the population. Now, everyone has a cell phone, on which they can access anything possible in the world and their interaction with other
people
 is lessened.
Moreover
,
people
 become materialized and self-centred, and they do not want to give any care to
others
.
In contrast
, there are some remedies to get the
surrounding
Replace the word
surroundings
show examples
 back to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 old times.
Firstly
, there is a strong need for motivation and commitment to bring attention to the matter of socialism and give space to
others
. In order to achieve
this
, a passionate campaign and counselling sessions are desired to be implemented, so its message
reached
Wrong verb form
reaches
show examples
all the
people
.
Secondly
, individuals are needed to remain attentive, and kind to take care of each other.
Thirdly
, elders of
this
 time have to change their habits and need to adopt healthy habits, like they have to go for morning walks and they may
also
 go for jogging at their convenience. During those intervals, they can chat, and communicate with
others
for sharing
Change preposition
to share
show examples
 their views on several matters.
To sum up
, by adjusting to the solutions they could achieve their vulnerable health and happiness by sharing their emotions with
others
.
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coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion. The argument is also logically structured. However, transitioning between thoughts and ideas could have been smoother for better coherence.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task with clear comprehension and relevant examples. However, the ideas could be more elaborate and examples more diverse for a higher score.
lexical resource
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary. But a richer lexical resource, more synonyms, and less repetition would have improved the quality of the writing.
grammatical range
While a range of complex structures were used, it can be improved further with more variety and accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Happiness
  • Health
  • Exercise
  • Spending time
  • Loneliness
  • Health problems
  • Causes
  • Solutions
  • Lifestyle
  • Priorities
  • Social interaction
  • Physical activity
  • Advancements in technology
  • Promote
  • Engaging
  • Opportunities
  • Awareness
  • Family
  • Community
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