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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

There is an increasing amount of advertising directed at children, which encourages them to buy goods such as toys and snacks. Many parents are worried, while some advertisers claim that they provide useful information to children. Discuss both and opine.

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in
Capitalize the word
In
show examples
this
Linking Words
fast pacing
Replace the word
fast-paced
 world, when everything is globally available and socially
advertize
Wrong verb form
advertised
show examples
, people often intend to buy what they see virtually. when the child start growing
from their childhood
Change preposition
up
show examples
, many parents often introduce them to technology,
when
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 they should encourage them to play fully away from devices in open playgrounds with other peers. so using
this
Linking Words
 technology
children
Punctuation problem
, children
show examples
 see so many advertisements
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 toys and snacks
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 attracts them more.
in
Capitalize the word
In
show examples
this
Linking Words
 essay,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 will be discussing both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
opinions.
first
Capitalize the word
First
show examples
 of all, there are many advantages
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
you get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
 introduced
with the
Change preposition
to
show examples
things
Use synonyms
 you might not know.
Linking Words
for
Capitalize the word
For
show examples
 example
-
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 protein milks and the
things
Use synonyms
which helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
that help
show examples
 in child growth.
Linking Words
on
Capitalize the word
On
show examples
 the other hand, it has some disadvantages too,
such
Linking Words
 as they eat more fast food
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 has
cause
Wrong verb form
caused
show examples
 them
in obesity
Wrong verb form
to become obese
show examples
 and many health issues
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of physical
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
.
those
Capitalize the word
Those
show examples
 advertisements encourage
child
Check wording
children
show examples
 to depend on those
things
Use synonyms
 more
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
 mobile phones ,
ai
Capitalize the proper name
AI
show examples
 technology
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is trapping all human brain thinking power .
some
Capitalize the word
Some
show examples
 parents
thinks
Correct subject-verb agreement
think
show examples
 that these advertisers are misleading them with their ads and making fools of the general public
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 could be 80% true
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 eventually
its
Use the right word
it's
show examples
 the public who is believing them in the end.
they
Capitalize the word
They
show examples
 make some
things
Use synonyms
which is
Correct subject-verb agreement
that are
show examples
 not
in real life possible
Correct word order
possible in real life
show examples
.
the
Capitalize the word
The
show examples
 prices of
such
Linking Words
 products are always high
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 makes the budget
out
Verb problem
go out
show examples
 of hand. They
ofen
Correct your spelling
often
 do not understand that ads are made to sell, so they may ask for toys, sweets, and fast food again and again.
This
Linking Words
 can cause pressure on family money and lead to stress at home. In my opinion, the harmful side is stronger. Children are not mature enough to judge commercial messages well, so they need protection. Advertising aimed at children should be limited, especially for junk food,
while
Linking Words
 useful and educational information should still be allowed under clear rules.t

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. Give one full paragraph for why ads can help and one full paragraph for why ads can harm children.
task response
State your own view earlier and keep it clear through the essay.
task response
Use more clear examples, like one ad for healthy food and one ad for junk food.
coherence cohesion
Make each paragraph have one main idea only.
coherence cohesion
Use simple linking words like first, also, however, for example, and in my view.
coherence cohesion
Check sentence order. Some ideas now jump too fast from one point to another.
task response
You discussed both sides and gave your opinion in the end.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion.
task response
You gave some examples about toys, snacks, health, and family money.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • easy to influence
  • buy goods
  • family budget
  • put pressure on parents
  • unhealthy snacks
  • bad eating habits
  • from a young age
  • materialistic values
  • focus on things
  • useful information
  • products on the market
  • match their interests
  • public health message
  • under clear rules
  • protect children
  • commercial message
  • directed at children
  • encourage them to buy
  • worry about
  • in my opinion
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