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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a very serious health problem. Give the reasons for child obesity and give solutions to fix this health problem.

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Life
is
Wrong verb form
has
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 changed nowadays , and that includes how
children
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 live. Today , there is a serious health issue involving
children
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. Many of them are overweight and unhealthy.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons for
child
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obesity
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 and give solutions to fix
this
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 health problem. On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons for
this
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 problem.
First,
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fast
food
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 contains saturated fats and many calories. The fast
food
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 problem is spreading all over the world. McDonald's is the best example of these restaurants. Many
children
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 are addicted to it. The second main reason for
child
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obesity
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 is laziness and video games. Teens and kids spend all their spare time playing video games, regardless of their tasks.
Finally
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,
children
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 consume too much sugar . The
children
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 always eat chocolate and sweets. They
also
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 drink soda and pepsi which are rich in sugar.
On the other hand
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, there are many solutions for
child
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obesity
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.
To begin
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 with chidern should go to the gym and do extreme training. They should do push-ups and run. They should practice some sports like football. In additon they should not eat fast
food
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. They should have a healthy diet and a healthy lifestyle. They should not eat Mc Donalds and junk
food
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.
Finally
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, they should sleep early and have less dinner. Sleeping is very important because it helps the body avoid
obesity
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. Dinner is not a good option,
it
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as it
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 will lead to fat in the human body. In conclusion, there are multiple reasons responsible for creating a generation of overweight
children
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.
However
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, there are several solutions that can save a
child
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 from
obesity
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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You gave reasons and solutions, so this is good, but some ideas are too short.
task response
Explain each main idea more. For example, say how fast food, sugar, and screen time cause weight gain.
task response
Use better examples. 'McDonald's' is only one example. Add more real and clear support.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this structure.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some parts read like a list. Use simple links like 'because', 'so', 'as a result', and 'for example'.
coherence and cohesion
Develop one idea before moving to the next one. This will make the essay easier to follow.
task response
You answered the full question with reasons and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly shows the topic of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion is clear and matches your main points.
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