IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries children take up paid jobs during the summer vacation. Some people feel that this amounts to child labour. Others argue that summer jobs help children learn valuable lessons. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Some people argue that the practice of
children
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 starting part-time jobs potentially perpetuates child labour even if these are done during their
summer
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 break. Opponents argue working is a good opportunity for school
children
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 to experience a variety of things.
Although
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this
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 practice has negative and positive aspects, I agree with the latter opinion in terms of the risks of exploitation and educational distractions they may face. On the one hand, working can provide
children
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 with numerous beneficial experiences, which improve life skills.
For example
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,
children
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 can develop time management skills, teamwork and basic job skills, which would help them become independent.
Additionally
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, earning their own money may help
children
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 understand its value, fostering a sense of financial literacy
that is
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 essential to living in today's capitalized society.
On the other hand
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, by
summer
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 working,
children
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 might face risks of exploitation,
such
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 as unfair wages, excessive hours, and unsafe working conditions.
This
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 is because they may be less aware of their rights or less capable of advocating for themselves.
Moreover
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, there may be impacts on education. Even though during
summer
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 vacation, many students use
this
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 time to catch up on studies, prepare for the coming school year, or participate in enrichment programs. Working during
this
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 period might distract from these educational opportunities and lead to a loss of academic focus. In conclusion, it is true that work offers valuable life lessons to
children
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 outside of the classroom.
Nonetheless
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,
summer
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 working might involve risks of exploitation and losing educational opportunities.
Therefore
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, I believe
children
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 should not engage in
summer
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 work.

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coherence cohesion
To achieve a higher score in Coherence and Cohesion, consider ensuring that each paragraph progresses logically from one to the next. For instance, the transition between the second and third paragraphs can be more fluid.
task achievement
To enhance Task Achievement, provide more relevant detailed examples. For instance, include specific cases or statistical data when discussing child exploitation.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The main points are relevant and well presented, showing a good understanding of the issue.
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